Dachs's New Blog

Official Deathpool Rules

2010-01-13T00:58:00.007-05:00

15 total: 14 real people, 1 TV character.

Requirements for celebrity status- to be determined by the 4 judges, majority rules.

Minimum 2 under 20, maximum 2 over 70. No known diseases.

Point system: 100 minus their age. 10 point bonus for a streak (3 person streak would get 20 points and on and on and on and onnnn, thanks Martellus).

1st gets 16 points, last gets 9 points, December gets 5.

Guessing cause of death gets you an extra 5 points.

You have to have at least 1 of the following categories: Athlete, anybody on TV/movies, musician, political figure/commentator, TV fictional character.

If the character comes back to life: if in 2010, doesn't count as death, lose those points. If in 2011, you have to do 2 shots of Rum Island Ice Tea.

Minimum 3 men, 3 women.

Draft: Either next Tuesday or Wednesday, 1 minute clock.

Possible updates in the future, suggestions in the comments, and most important, click the ad baby.

Sportsman of the Year

2009-11-30T11:16:00.009-05:00

During the World Series I was talking with 1 of my buddies when I said something to the effect of "if we win the World Series there's a good chance the Captain will be SI's Sportsman of the Year". He responded with something to the effect of "who gives a flying ferret".

Of course this wasn't priority one for me since we still had a World Series to win, but it was in the back of my mind and moving closer to the front these last few weeks.

As anyone who knows me even a little bit should be able to tell you, Derek Jeter is my favorite player. Any sport, any team, no, forget favorite player, the man is as close to an idol as my religious conscience will allow me to have. The story has been often told but on an occasion such as this it bears repeating. In 1995 my favorite Yankee was Jimmy Key. During that season he got hurt and needed Tommy John surgery while also during that season we called up this kid shortstop. After dealing with the devastation that was the Martinez boys (and Griffey, and Joey freaking Cora, and scary Randy Johnson etc) ruining my Succos that year, 1996 began with said kid shortstop being our new starting shortstop. And I just knew. I just f'ing knew that he was going to be awesome, and that this was my new favorite player. (Could I have told you how awesome, or that he would be the absolute perfect role model in every respect imaginable? Of course not, only he's that good.) Sure enough in the first game of that magical year he hit his 1st career HR and made a sick over the shoulder catch.

He came at the perfect time. For most kids there is no stage in your life that you are as completely obsessed with baseball as much as ages 8-11, give or take a few months. That's when you can really appreciate baseball cards, your balls haven't dropped yet so girls still have cooties, when you have no responsibilities whatsoever and can therefore memorize your favorite player's stats (.314, 10 HRs, 78 RBIs in '96, I'll never forget that stat line). Opening Day 1996 I was 9 years old and the last 14 years rooting for Derek Jeter (and the other pinstriped people of course) have been as great as it gets. All of the jumpthrows, all of the Jeterian swings, The Jeffrey Maier HR, The Flip, Mr. November, The Dive (along with the moments that most people don't remember at all, like when he scored from 1st on a routine single) etc. etc. etfreakingcetera are all ingrained in my memory, and hopefully always will be.

For whatever reason SI's Sportsman of the Year has always mattered in some way to me. I guess part of that is because in most cases when you think back to any year since 1954 there's a decent chance the Sportsman of the Year selection will have been the greatest, biggest story of that year. Whether it was the first winner Roger Bannister, who ran the first sub-4 minute mile, or the 1980 US Hockey team, to last year's winner Michael Phelps. The combination of lifetime achievement award and still gettin' it doneness is very well acknowledged.

And now the man, the myth, the legend, the best there was, the best there is, the best there ever shall be, The Captain, Jeter Christ Almighty, 7-time American League Champion, 1996 Rookie of the Year, 2000 All-Star Game MVP, 2000 World Series MVP, 10-time All-Star, 4-time Gold Glove winner, 4-time Silver Slugger winner, 2-time Hank Aaron Award winner, 2009 Roberto Clemente Award winner, and most importantly 5-time World's Champion, Derek Sanderson Jeter is what we'll take from 2009.

Happy 23rd Birthday!

2009-09-16T10:12:00.004-04:00

One of the top young players in the majors, and I'm not just saying that because he's on my keeper team, happy birthday Gordon Beckham.

And happy birthday to Sir and Lady Schlachter, those who don't believe in love at first sight obviously never heard of those two who've been together since they met in the nursery 23 years ago.

And even though they weren't born in the great birth year of 1986, happy birthday to Gracie Sheffield/Mia, Amy Poehler, Molly Shannon, Mickey Rourke, Tim "Rock" Raines, among many others.

And oh yeah, little ol' me. I'd be remiss if I didn't put this in:

Embedding disabled by request for whatever annoying reason, so go ahead and click this to watch.

2009-08-17T10:47:00.000-04:00

All Hail

2009-07-01T13:36:00.006-04:00

I was unfortunately unaware that these 2 legends would be chilling on the field before the game, otherwise I would've gotten there at 4 and jumped onto the field like a crazed lunatic to meet my 2 favorite active athletes.

Um, what?

2009-06-30T12:29:00.003-04:00

The big NBA party starts tonight at midnight, and supposedly there's a decent chance we're getting Jason Kidd. All we have to offer, I would assume, is the mid-level exception. Considering the rumor that Dallas offered 3 years for 8 million each, and the fact that we aren't exactly a title contender, I don't see why Kidd would want to come to the Knicks. The only reasons are our main selling points, the fact that we're New York and have The Garden as our home court, and have D'Antoni and his most fun style ever coaching.

Be that as it may, I'm not a tremendous fan of this news. There are some obvious pros to this move. 1. He immediately becomes our best point guard. 2. He'll make everyone better, both with his on the court play and his off the court leadership. I would hope. 3. A lineup of Kidd-Hughes-Chandler-Gallo-Lee with Nate/the rookies/Wilcox/Darko coming off the bench is probably good enough to sneak into the playoffs.

Now the cons. Numbers are more fun than letters so the cons list gets lettters. A) He's old and slow and his defense is therefore terrible. B) Is it better for us to get Kidd and hope for a 7 seed? Or should we see what happens with Phoenix and Nash, or stay with Duhon and see what the Ghostface Killah can give us and build a better foundation for the future?

Our whole plan since DW/D'Antoni came to town was to gear up everything to the 2010 offseason. So if we sign Kidd for 1 year, then that plan is still in place. If we sign him to a multi-year deal, and don't somehow get rid of the Curry/Jeffries contracts, then our cap room for that offseason continues to go down. The chances of LeBron leaving Cleveland are slim enough as it is, but maybe the thought process would be that LeBron has always wanted to play with Kidd so he'll do whatever it takes to do so. I don't know. Plus we have to deal with D-Lee and Nate. It's gonna be a very interesting couple of weeks here in Knicksland.

All I know is you want your point guard to be a great decision maker. Therefore the picture below is troubling:

Giant Beam 1, Bret Michaels 0

2009-06-08T12:35:00.001-04:00

Hilarious. And is that a dude dressed like a chick at the end? I don't get the Tony's but whatever floats their boat.

David who?!

2009-06-08T11:33:00.004-04:00

You really learn something new every day. Turns out noted steroid cheat (well maybe not proven beyond a shadow of a doubt but come on, a friend of Angel Presinal is overwhelmingly likely a friend of needles) David "Big Pop-Up" Ortiz is not the man we thought he was. That's right, his name is really David Americo Ortiz Arias, and that has been confirmed by the fine folks at Wikipedia.

Very interested in why he decided to chop off the Arias and go with just Ortiz. Didn't sound Hispanic enough? Some father's name/mother's name stuff?

Either way, clearly I'm gonna be calling him Arias from now on and I encourage you all to do so too.

Twitter

2009-06-03T11:36:00.003-04:00

So here's the deal, now on the top-right you got my Twitter link. Turns out I'm not really a blogger, more of a Twitterer. My main problem with blogging has always been that there's just too much forced words. If I'm watching/doing/listening whatever, in all likelihood there are other people around who I'm going to say my thoughts to, and then I'm going to have to go blog what I already said 5 times? Except for some rare examples, almost everything on this blog has been said to actual people many times before I typed it, and for the most part those are the people reading this thing, and therefore getting double doses of 95% of the stuff.

But Twitter, oh baby Twitter. That's just a whole different ballgame. Random thoughts as they happen along with the added challenge of keeping things under 140 characters, the way it can be used instead of mass-texting, the fact that it's easier to do on my 'Berry than blogging is. Not saying I'm not gonna blog anymore, but Twitter>Blogging, and it's not even close.

All Hail

2009-06-03T10:52:00.004-04:00

5th player all-time with 2,600 hits, 200 HRs and 1000 RBI in his 1st 15 seasons.

First right-handed batter since 1930 with a .310 BA, 2,500 hits and 1,500 runs scored.

A 16-game hitting streak including a 7-game multihit streak.

I really have nothing more to add. All hail The Captain. The team is rolling right now, the swagger is back boys and girls. We're the best team in the world, try to beat us at your own risk.

Oh, and if you want to keep throwing at Teix, no biggie, AJ will just fire a fastball at Cruz's head.

RELAPSE Part 2

2009-06-01T11:57:00.003-04:00

And we're back.

6. Hello
Shady, but not really crazy Shady. No real favorite lines, this song is just okay, maybe after a few listens I'll like it more. For now it gets a 5. The catchy tune will help its case in the future. Leads into...

7. Tonya (skit)
Not exactly sure who Tonya is. Unless she's the girl he wanted to say Hello to? I don't know, moving on.

8. Same Song & Dance
Shady. Okay, now the skit makes more sense, as she's just some random chick he carjacked apparently. Which reminds him of when he stalked/kidnapped/raped Lindsay Lohan and then the rebbetzin? The pills are starting to take affect on him, which I guess is the point of the CD.
"She played the little school girl when she first burst up on the scene and it seemed that the world was hers, she twirls and turns and flirts in skirts so bad it hurts", and "I'll share my valium with you cause I'm feeling you Britney" "ever since the school girl juvenile delinquent I've been feeling you". The Britney factor raises it from like a 4 to a 7.

9. We Made You.
Shady. This song has been a little overrated by the "mainstream" because since for most people the fact he mentions celebrities means it must be an awesome song, even if a lot of the jokes are the same ones he's made before just the names have changed. Let's see if my mind has changed on that.
I'm gonna stay on my high horse for this one, sure there are some decent celebrity digs, a nice Britney mention, and it's a catchy little jingle, but this is clearly a song just to get radio airplay, not that there's anything wrong with that, he needs to pay the bills. His albums always tell a story, so far it's been about his dealing with his addictions, his history coming back to haunt and influence him. Then all of the sudden we get the poppy celebrity song. It's a little out of place, and was mainly made to drum up interest from Z100, girls, and nontraditional males.
With all that said, I give it a 6. If anyone else sang it and there was no Britney mention this would easily be a 2. Just like Samantha Ronson. (See what I did there? Like I said, some decent digs.)

10. Medicine Ball
Shady again (noticing a trend, I'm not even gonna bother with that part of the review anymore unless Eminem shows up).
Now this song has better celebrity digs than We Made You, fits better with the album, but wouldn't work too well with the target market We Made You does. Naturally it's a much much much much (one more? I think so) much better song than We Made You. To the lines!
"I guess it's time for you to hate me again, let's begin now hand me the pen, how should I begin it and where does it all end" "I won't rape all the Pussycat Dolls, Nicole you kidding?" "I'll pee on Rihanna see man I do what I wanna, spray perfume in the sauna room crazy gluin Madonna to the Lazy Boy sofa, fold her in two then sit on her, imagine the visual for that man, who would thought I could ever be such a relentless prick unleashing the vengeance but the chick's so old she looks like she out-lived a life sentence" and an awesome line about his lyrical history with Christopher Reeves, "now everybody's pissesd at me like it's my fault his name rhymes with so many different words geez, so one last time" and finally, speaking in Christopher Reeve's robot voice with random inhalations "Eminem I'm coming to kill you, I've always hated you and I still do, you'll never fill my shoes, my Superman costume". This song gets an 8.

11. Paul (skit)
Awesome. Might be my favorite Paul voicemail ever.

Break time. Be back later or tonight with the rest.

RELAPSE!

2009-06-01T09:28:00.004-04:00

Oh baby, here we go. Apparently Best Buy is retarded and therefore didn't have the deluxe edition so I had to settle for regular, but the other 2 songs are being downloaded as I type. Also we're gonna keep this PG-13 for all the kids out there. With that said, let the review begin.

First of all, great job on the cover, with the face made out of pills and the label looking like a prescription. Supposedly he's off the pills and is now addicted to Hey Arnold! (forgot where I read this but supposedly he's obsessed with the show now, only good things can come from this, maybe a collaboration with Jerald and Helga G. Pataki). Also, the lyrics are actually printed, well at least most of them, about time Eminem did that. Also a nice touch how all his pills have been prescribed by a legitimate doctor (Dr. Dre of course).

1. The CD starts with a skit called Dr. West. Supposedly, and it does sound like him, this character is played by Dominic West. Yes, that Dominic West. The great Jimmy McNulty from the Wire, who plays some f'd up doctor voice in Em's head telling him there's no big deal if he drinks/pops pills. Which leads into

2. 3AM.
Eminem (Lose Yourself, Till I Collapse, The Way I Am, Like Toy Soldiers, Superman, Sing For The Moment etc) or Slim Shady (Without Me, Real Slim Shady, My Name Is, '97 Bonnie and Clyde, Just Lose It, Ass Like That etc)? Shady.
Favorite Line(s): Classic Shady as he starts the 2nd verse with "Sitting nude in my living room, it's almost noon, I wonder what's on the tube maybe they'll show some boobs, surfin every channel until I find Hannah Montana then, I reach for the aloe and lanolin" shortly followed by "I'm just a hooligan who's used to using hallucinogens".
Scale of 1 (It's Eminem, who are we kidding, there's never been a 1) to 10 (Lose Yourself): Solid 7.

3. My Mom
Shady.
"slut, you need to leave me the f alone I ain't playing, go find you a white crayon and color a f'ing zebra" "Wait a minute, this ain't dinner it's paint thinner" and "I'll do it, pop it gobble it and start wobblin, stumble hobble tumble slip trip then I fall in bed, with a bottle of meds and a Heath Ledger bobble head". Yes he did just go there, which is why he's the king, I give this song an 8.

4. Insane
Shady. This song goes in the "holy crap what is wrong him" file.
"I was born with a dick in my brain, yeah f'd in the head" "took his eye out picked it up and played pang-pong, then he played pang-pong with his own dang-dong" and the way he says "I don't need no help peeing, I'm a big boy I can do it by myself see" and finally "I only get naked when the babysitter tells me, she showed me a movie like Nightmare on Elm Street, but it was X and they called it Pubic Hair on Chelsea, (then his "stepfather" saying ) "well this one's called Ass Rape and we're shooting the jail scene". This song gets a solid 7.

5. Bagpipes From Baghdad
I've been looking forward to this song, let's see if it lives up to the hype.
Wow. Shady. Definitely Shady. This song is retarded. The whole Mariah/Nick Cannon thing is classic Shady, as is the 3rd verse where he speaks of adventures with conjoined twins, there's really no PG-13 way to describe that, just listen for yourself.
"Nick Cannon ya prick I wish ya luck with the f'n whore"
Another solid 7.

So far every song has been very relistenable, with good lines and classic retarded crap. No awesome songs yet though.

I'm gonna take a break for a few minutes, handle some business, and be back soon to listen to the next 5 tracks.

And we're back. Again.

2009-05-27T11:08:00.003-04:00

Done with finals, finally finished the Mehl paper, all I have left is Fordham and senior research. So now I have more time to blog! And let's be honest, that's really all that matters in life. So for now enjoy the greatness you see above, I'll be back later today/tonight/tomorrow/never with a) my Yankee thoughts, b) some playoff stuff, c) most importantly, a live Relapse recap as I listen to it since I have it but haven't listened. Yet. and of course d) a gigantic collection of random crap.

How to Fix The Yankees

2009-05-07T03:06:00.002-04:00

Step 1: Fire Joe Girardi. He's a horrible manager who thinks he's smarter than everyone else. We never should have hired him in the first place. I don't want Bobby Valentine but I'd be fine with Tony Pena or giving the job to Don Mattingly like we originally should have.

Step 2: Get rid of Hideki Matsui. He sucks. He has sucked for the last few years. His numbers get inflated by 2 hot streaks that last for a combined 3-4 weeks. And the fact that he's a pretty significant reason we don't have Manny DHing doesn't help his case.

Step 3: Move back to Yankee Stadium. The new place is a soulless heartless tourist attraction that depresses me more and more each time I walk in. Not one Yankee fan on the face of the earth would rather be in the "Stadium" than in The Stadium.

If this plan is implemented right away, we'll be in 1st place by the end of the month. Guaran-Dachs-teed.

Urgent YouTube of the Day

2009-05-04T04:00:00.001-04:00

The newest brand spanking new feature on the blog

2009-05-01T14:31:00.003-04:00

Let's call it, what I'll be thinking about during the Rabbi's speech on Shabbos.

Naturally I'll do what I can to daven in a minyan without a speech, that's just how I roll homies. But the point remains, this will be the official Friday blog, where I preview the weekend in sports and whatever, both what I'll be thinking about what happened Friday night and what I'll be looking forward to Saturday night, Nisht Shabbos Goret of course.

First of all, after a night when we improved to 3-0 when I'm at the new place, the Yankees look to continue to handle their business against the Angels. I'd like to personally thank Mike Scioscia for bringing in Justin Speier in last night, it's not like we destroy him everytime we face him. Pettitte vs my good friend Jered Weaver tonight as we look to stretch our win streak to 4.

Then we get to our double main event. 1st, Celtics-Bulls Game 7. This series has been completely insane, with more OTs than any series in my lifetime. As we all know Game 7s are awesome, hopefully for the Celtics Wade Redden doesn't deflect in the winning shot on their own basket.

And of course, Pacquiao-Hatton. The pound-for-pound king, at least until Mayweather comes back, fighting at a weight heavier than he ever has, going against Ricky Hatton whose trainer, Floyd Mayweather Sr. is absolutely hilarious, and more importantly has supposedly taught Hatton how to be more of a defensive fighter. It's the first big PPV fight of '09, time to get pumped and watch some 24/7.

On to the random predictions for the weekend:

1. D-Wade goes for at least 40 tonight as the Heat win.
2. The Blue Jays win tonight as Halladay pitches one of his gems.
3. Pac-Man by TKO in the 8th.

Random Crap Monday

2009-04-27T20:28:00.006-04:00

Less than 24 hours removed from one of the worst sports days of my life, the return of Random Crap Monday!

An abbreviated version of the crap as the Yankee game's on but 2 main stories today.

First, Donald Brashear was suspended for 6 games. 1 for messing with Colton Orr during pregame warmups, 5 for attempting to kill Blair Betts. For some reason ESPN.com decided to report that Mike Green was also suspended but that's not true. See what happens when they try to cover hockey?

And in the other news, although this apparently isn't news since it's been known for a few years but hey I just found out now, Harriet from Studio 60 (Sarah Paulson) and President Allison Taylor (Cherry Jones) are a lesbian couple. I don't really have a joke here, but this is the kind of thing that Random Crap Monday was made for.

Arg

2009-04-27T02:17:00.002-04:00

The Rangers lost, the Yankees got swept by Boston, if you think you're getting anything more out of me today you're out of your freaking mind. I'm too busy watching Game 6 of the '96 World Series.

Gadlus of the Day

2009-04-26T11:25:00.002-04:00

Biggest Sports Day of the Year?

2009-04-26T10:13:00.004-04:00

I think to this point, this is going to be the biggest sports day for me in 2009. Let's break this party down:

We got the real NFL draft, since we traded our only Day 1 pick for more picks in the middle rounds, and now have 12 picks in the 5 rounds today. I highly doubt we actually make 12 picks, and actually hope we can package some of them for 2nd round picks next year. My favorite part of the draft so far has been reading the comments from yesterday on the great bloggingtheboys.com, where for the most part they tended a) to hate the fact that we didn't have a pick until 51 so Roy Williams better be awesome b) really hated the fact that most of our predraft targets got taken between picks 33 and 45 and c) my most favorite comments, wondering why the hell Wade Phillips was necessary in the war room, and commenting how it looked like he had gas. And as I type this the 'Boys are on the clock at pick 69. And we just took Jason Williams, OLB from Western Illinois. Full recap and thoughts about the draft later.

We got Game 6 of Rangers-Caps. Our great coach got himself suspended for benching Seanie in Game 5, or for throwing a water bottle at a fan, whichever story you like better. As our Rangers expert texted me last night, "he's a hypocritical loser". Maskim.

But in any event, we kind of need to win today because no one wants to play a Game 7 on the road, even if last year Washington trailed Philly in the 1st round 3-1, won Games 5 and 6 and then lost Game 7 at home in OT. As Torts said after Game 5, we need our best players to be our best players, not our kids. As great as it is that Callahan and Dubinsky continue to step up, guys like Drury (although he's hurt), Naslund and especially waste of space and crappy ex-Devil Gomez really need to step up. We know Henrik will be on his game after taking off Game 5, but we gotta score some goals on Varlamov.

In the middle of all this there are also the great NBA playoffs all day, plus the Hurricanes victory.

Of course this all leads to the main event of the evening. The Yanks. The Sawx. The 1st two games haven't exactly gone as planned but with Pettitte on the hill tonight I'm feelin it.

Side point about the Yanks: Just throwing out this completely hypothetical yet strangely possible theory. Bruney's injury turns out to be a little more serious than this 2 weeks we're being told it is. Wang figures out whatever's wrong, with some rest, some work on his mechanics, whatever. Hughes comes up Tuesday and becomes the beast we know he is, making it impossible to send him back down to not Columbus. Our rotation becomes Sabathia, Burnett, Pettite, Wang, Hughes. Joba goes back to the 8th inning when Wang proves himself ready to rejoin the rotation since he's going to have the innings limit anyway.

Anyway, today should be awesome, be back later with thoughts and recaps and YouTubes. The blog is back!

Best Video Ever?

2009-04-24T03:16:00.000-04:00

YouTube of the Day

2009-04-24T02:39:00.002-04:00

I promise, real blogging soon enough, but for now, during a random YouTubing session this popped up. I hadn't seen it in a few months but was quickly reminded how much I love Tyson. The last 7 seconds might be the greatest 7 second clip ever. I can watch this forever.

Freaking Wang

2009-04-19T13:33:00.001-04:00

Let's get a win today at least. In other news, vacation over, time to get back to blogging. Even Turgel blogged apparently.

Interesting Idea

2009-04-07T23:42:00.003-04:00

Watching Latroy Hawkins give up a homer to Alfonso Soriano led me to an interesting idea. Make a team out of ex-Yankees, and after the year see who did better, the former Yanks or the 2009 Yanks. I'd probably need to wait until the end of the season to properly evaluate the stats, maybe neutralize them to as if they played their home games in Yankee Stadium, but it's an interesting thought. Here's the team I've come up with, or should I say coming up with as I type:

C: Pudge (HOU)
1B: Nick Johnson (WAS)
2B: Alberto Gonzalez (WAS)
3B: Lowell (BOS)
SS: Betemit (CWS)
LF: Juan Rivera (LAA)
CF: Soriano (CHC)
RF: Abreu (LAA)
DH: Giambi (OAK)
Bench: Tony "Gramps" Clark (ARI), Moeller (BAL), Nick Green (BOS), Thames (DET), Mientkiewicz (LAD), Sheffield (NYM), Cairo (PHI), Navarro (TB), Nieves (WAS),

SP1: Vazquez (ATL)
SP2: Randy (SF)
SP3: Lilly (CHC)
SP4: Contreras (CWS)
SP5: Pavano (CLE)
Bullpen: Farnsworth (KC), Hawkins (HOU), Gordon (ARI), Vizcaino (CHC), Dotel (CWS), Ponson (KC), Weathers (CIN), Ohlendorf (PIT), Karstens (PIT)

So yeah, the positions don't work out so well but it's not a terrible match. In general, priority for starting positions went to guys who will play the most and were Yankees more recently and for a longer period of time. Every few days we'll check on the old guys.

Baseball Preview

2009-04-05T15:56:00.001-04:00

I'm lazy and don't have time to go through every team as I originally planned. Suffice to say, I'm going to shock the world and pick the Yankees to win the World Series, and The Captain winning AL MVP, WS MVP and the ASG MVP. Not necessarily in that order. Who didn't see any of this coming?

Congrats to One of My Boys

2009-04-02T00:05:00.004-04:00

With the 6th pick of the 2004 NHL Draft, the Rangers drafted the man you see above, Al Montoya, goalie from the University of Michigan. At the time all Rangers fans were very excited since with Mike Richter's career coming to a close and Dan Blackburn's future uncertain, we were looking at a future with Mike Dunham or Kevin Weekes. Not good times. But then we drafted this American goalie, a little reminiscent of our last great American goalie as they both had played very well for Team USA (Montoya in the World Junior Championship), and we all were pumped.

Of course then when Montoya was in his final season at Michigan after being drafted, some Swedish dude who was backing up Weekes started playing really well, and by last year's trading deadline King Henrik had turned Montoya from potential franchise cornerstone into a very nice trade chip. We dealt him along with Marcel Hossa for Freddie Sjostrom and some prospects and so ended Montoya's Rangers career. However he'll always be one of my boys.

Back in the summer of '05, after the lockout, the Rangers held an event at the Garden to rally the fans together. There we were able to get a free ticket voucher to a game and almost as importantly, take pictures and get autographs from such legends as Rod Gilbert plus Sam and JD. Since besides Jagr there weren't any real holdovers from the prelockout team (I think Rucinsky and Ortmeyer were the only other guys who were Rangers and played more than 30 games in 03-04, Kasparminus and Poti don't count because they sucked), they had prospects there to hang out with the fans. Those propsects were Hugh Jessiman, Rick Kozak, and Al Montoya. I had brought a puck with me and after not too much deliberation, decided Montoya was going to be my boy. We took a picture together and talked for a couple of minutes about his future as at the time he was still deciding between going back to Michigan or joining the Rangers organization. Then he signed my puck and he's been one of my boys ever since.

Why is this relevant at all? Because he just recorded his 1st career NHL shutout, as Phoenix beat Colorado 3-0 tonight. Congratulations Al.

Now Batting Leadoff

2009-04-01T17:05:00.002-04:00

This news was talked about a few days ago, and now it's going to be how we officially start the season. The Captain will be leading off, while Johnny Damon moves into the 2 hole. While nostalgically it would be nice to always have The Captain bat 2nd, I like this move for 3 reasons.

1st of all, you want to get your best hitters as many at-bats as possible. What better way to do this than to have the greatest of all time batting 1st?

2nd, I like a lineup that doesn't have consecutive lefties (or righties but that's harder). With lefty Brett Gardner batting 9th, our lineup 1 through 1 probably looks like this: Righty Captain, Lefty Damon, Switch Teix, Lefty Matsui, Switch Posada, Lefty Cano, Righty Nady, Righty Ransom, Lefty Gardner, Righty Captain.

And finally, the 1 problem I've ever had with Jeter Christ is his propensity to sacrifice bunt. He is a tremendously humble Captain and that definitely plays a role in why I love him, but when Damon leads off the 1st with a single there's really no reason to be bunting him over to 2nd.

All in all, I like the move, and hey, look, a blog! Mid-terms are over so baseball preview time either today or tomorrow (or the next few days most likely).

Good Times

2009-03-31T13:33:00.002-04:00

1st of all, yeah baby, how bout them Rangers.

2nd of all, finally finished my law school application, now I just have to deal with mid-terms and then it'll be back to blogging every single day. Nice.

Brings Levity To Our Day

2009-03-25T16:57:00.005-04:00

So we've had this leak in the bathroom sink for the last couple days. In order to prevent a major flood, I had the ingenius idea to put a garbage can under the leak to gather the water. This can fills up all the way to the top in like 6 hours, at which point I dump it all into the tub. About 20 minutes ago I came back from class and handled the water business. I then realized that the way I poured it out was very reminiscent of how teams give Gatorade showers to their coach. This led my pointing out to Taz that it would be hilarious if Klinger was still here, and we suddenly snuck up behind him and gave him one. Less than 30 seconds later, who should show up in the apartment but the man himself. We love this show.

All Hail

2009-03-25T12:12:00.003-04:00

2 posts already today, now that's a comeback. Hopefully I'll have time later for a real post, I do have some ideas in mind, take my word for it.

Mussar Haskil of the Day

2009-03-25T12:01:00.002-04:00

MADNESS

2009-03-19T13:40:00.003-04:00

Here are my picks for today, usually I like to have only 1 bracket that I enter into my multiple pools. However I mixed it up a little this year because I'm a horrible person so here now, my consensus picks:

UConn over Chattanooga, Purdue over Northern Iowa, Memphis over CS Northridge, Oklahoma over Morgan State, UNC over Radford, Butler over LSU, Duke over Binghamton, and Villanova over American. Really going out on a limb with these.

Link of the Day

2009-03-18T22:31:00.001-04:00

Why blog when I can just copy and paste stuff and then label it the whatever of the day? Anyways, I approve of this idea.

Mussar Haskil of the Day

2009-03-18T12:14:00.003-04:00

YouTube of the Day

2009-03-17T23:54:00.001-04:00

I'll be honest, I haven't even watched this thing yet. But it's Kige in a St. Patrick's Day hat, it's gotta be decent.

And yeah, huge wins by the Rangers and Team USA tonight. Maybe a morning strum tomorrow.

Random Crap Monday

2009-03-16T19:46:00.002-04:00

Hey, look, Random Crap Monday! And our top story today, as I was catching up on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon in my continued quest to see every episode, I saw the March 6th episode with Drew Barrymore. In it, they "spontaneously" decided to play the Fallon hit game show Lick it for Ten. Wait a second, Gossip Girl's back on. And we're back. Anyway, as Drew went in to lick the bowling ball you see above I couldn't help but notice (unfortunately this isn't very visible in the picture): Drew Barrymore has a tongue ring! I'm not sure why this news excites me so much, but hey, whatever.

In other news, former Yankee Ivan Rodriguez just signed with the Astros. It's a good move for both sides, the Astros have two young guys in Towlie and Quintero who they don't feel are ready yet, and Pudge can do the whole veteran leader thing until one of them is ready for prime time. Hold on, 24, it's a busy TV night.

Lost my train of thought there. Whatever. Maybe a Gossip Girl/24/Heroes/How I Met Your Mom review tomorrow, provided I download and watch everything by then.

It's just a game, and it's soccer so come on is it really this important?

2009-03-16T13:54:00.006-04:00

So, crazy story out of Iraq as a player on the Buhairat amatuer team was on a breakaway with only the goalie to beat to tie a 1-0 game in the last minute of play. Oh yeah, he also had to beat the bullet that was being fired at his head by a rabid lunatic fan of the rival Sinjar club. So, yeah, he's dead now.

Rangers 4, Flyers 1

2009-03-15T15:01:00.004-04:00

Coming after yesterday's loss in Philadelphia, today's home win against the Flyers was absolutely huge. It was also a pretty dominating win, as the Rangers scored 3 power play goals in 1 game for only the 2nd time all season. (Thank you Perry Pearn.)

As of the time of this posting, we are now in 6th place in the conference, as we hold the tiebreaker over Cindy, Gina, and the rest of the Penguins. We are 1 point ahead of Carolina, plus a game in hand, while we are tied in points with Montreal but they have a game in hand.

On to the newest feature on the blog, my 3 stars of the game:

3. Derek Morris- His addition (and the subtraction of Dmitri Kalinin), combined with already solid play from Paul Mara, Marc Staal and Dan Girardi, even with the underwhelming play of Michal Rozsival and Wade Redden, gives us a solid defensive corps. Today, he did what Redden's supposed to be doing, putting a good deflectable shot on net that Avery was able to score on giving us the early 1-0 lead.

2. Henrik Lundqvist- 24 saves, only 1 deflection power play goal allowed. And almost half of those saves were of the holy crap how did he save that I gotta see a replay variety. Another great performance by the King, the 1st goalie to win at least 30 games in each of his first 4 seasons.

1. Sean Avery- Avery was at his best, flying all over the ice, pissing everyone on the other team off (including coaches), drawing penalties, and oh by the way, scoring 2 goals. A classic Avery performance and the reason why I never wanted Sather to let him go.

Also, congratulations to John Tortorella on his 244th win, tying him with Peter Laviolette for most wins by an American-born coach.

As I type this, I'm watching an absolutely insane ending to the SEC Championship game between Mississippi State and Tennessee, where with about 12 seconds left, there have been something like 5 turnovers in a 4 second span. Madness indeed.

2009-03-15T00:48:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FehBgQeVKFQ

And now we cut Roy Williams

2009-03-05T12:16:00.005-05:00

Busy day in Cowboy land. Roy was my favorite player in between the Aikman and Romo eras, but he's terrible in coverage and wasn't the awesome hitter he used to be. Still, I always hoped he'd get back to how he was in his rookie year.

Fun memory of the day, when he single-handedly beat Washington on Thanksgiving that year.

My favorite clip comes at the 1:25 mark and the one at 4:05 is pretty sweet too. The great clip from that Thanksgiving game at 2:07.

Plus A-Rod's going to miss 10 weeks. That's what happens when you praise Jose Reyes. Let the Cody Ransom era begin!

Goodbye T.O.

2009-03-05T01:20:00.006-05:00

All posts about the Rangers trades will understandably be pushed until tomorrow. Gotta digest this major news and talk it over with some peeps before I have my fully formed thoughts ready to go. But yeah, it's a sad day but a move that I believe needed to be done.

Finally

2009-03-03T13:09:00.003-05:00

Might be in the lineup Thursday at the Islanders.

Live-Blogging Fallon

2009-03-03T00:32:00.012-05:00

Big night tonight as Late Night with Jimmy Fallon begins, taking over for the great Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Such an occasion calls for a live-blog as we see how many times Fallon laughs uncontrollably during the show, and hold out hope for a Horatio Sanz sighting. He can be the band leader, they can even call him Manuel. I'm serious about that, I'm not just kidding. Anyway, to the live blog!

12:37- Hey it's Conan! Funny cold open but that was thanks to Conan more than Fallon.

12:39- Opening sequence is pretty boring, theme song nothing too special. And now Fallon's going to attempt a monologue. But first introducing his crew, Steve Higgins (former SNL writer who did a lot of voiceovers for the show) as announcer with The Roots as his band, coming to us from Studio 6B in 30 Rock.

12:43- Decent monologue with some hits albeit with some complete whiffs. And now the first feature of the show at the end of the monologue, slow-jamming the news, with Fallon and Malik breaking down a news story and singing it R&B style. Nothing special. A lot of enthusiasm from the crowd, I wonder if they're doing what they did with Conan when they only had family members of the crew in the audience to ensure a positive reaction.

12:46- Fallon at the desk. Target Demographic Blonde Mothers was okay, not sure the relevance, odd. And after the commercial, our 1st game! Wait, what? I guess we'll find out soon enough. If he's going to play live-blog bingo that will be hilarious.

12:52- AND WE'RE BAAACKKKK! He should've said it like that, wasted opportunity. And now we're playing lick it for 10, where audience members lick something and get 10 bucks. Nice super sexy replay. And with the cute girl from Westchester (Yonkers in the house?) up next, I'm looking forward to a super sexy replay of her licking the copy machine. And it doesn't disappoint. And then the last dude licks the goldfish bowl, holy crap that was creepy. What was the point of this exactly? Anyway, DeNiro coming up next.

1:01- DeNiro as a 1st guest is pretty impressive, let's see Fallon's interview skills at work. Interesting choice from a relevance standpoint, but hey, whatever.

1:04- Decent back and forth, about as funny as you can realistically expect with these 2. Now he's plugging the TriBeCa Film Festival. DeNiro really looks thrilled to be there.

1:06- Oh great, Fallon wants to do a DeNiro impression, it sounds nothing like him but DeNiro's Fallon impression is fantastic.

1:12- Space Train, the movie DeNiro and Fallon were in together that was never released. Between Higgins announcing, DeNiro awkwardly doing comedy and Fallon not being funny, it feels like 2003 SNL. Timberlake coming up after the commercial, maybe he can save this show. Maybe there'll be a Gibb sketch?

1:19- Nice touch by The Roots playing a Bee Gees song as Timberlake came out. And he gives Fallon an autographed Barry Gibb picture which will be on his desk forever and ever. Didn't Timberlake have a beard? And sure enough, they're doing more Gibb stuff, this live-blog is omniscient.

1:22- Hey, something funny, as they show a clip from Timberlake's new show The Phone.

1:25- Timberlake shows off the John Mayer impression, this might only be funny because Fallon isn't talking. Timberlake's the man, too bad he couldn't host SNL this season, great Michael MacDonald impression. And again, it doesn't involve Fallon trying to be funny, so good times.

1:30- Musical guest Van Morrison, got to be honest, didn't know he was still alive, but he'll be a few blocks away from my house at the Beacon the next couple of nights and now he's singing while he rocks the shades. Even though he's indoors in a TV studio. Is he singing any words? Is he drunk? What am I missing here?

1:35- Well whatever that was supposed to be went way over my head.

Final thoughts: Fallon wasn't terrible, but he definitely wasn't good. Considering they had a few months to work on the 1st show the results were disappointing. Lick it for 10? That's the best they could come up with? Timberlake was the one bright spot. But it was only Fallon's first show, and it took Conan awhile to find his groove, so we'll give him a chance.

Laziness of the Day

2009-03-02T22:27:00.002-05:00

Stupid quant mid-term canceling random crap Monday. Back to blogging tomorrow, for now your YouTubes of the Day(s):

This never gets old and hey look, a new camera angle:

And the greatest speech of all-time:

Completely Random Thought

2009-03-01T14:42:00.004-05:00

Jarome Iginla is the Dirk Nowitzki of the NHL, and Dirk Nowitzki is the Jarome Iginla of the NBA. I can't think of 2 players in different sports I could subjectively come to the same conclusion, but that just popped into my head.

Also, 5-5 in the Yankees-Reds game, Reds bring in Arthur Rhodes because they're fing retarded. Sure enough, Captain singles, Teix singles, A-Rod doubles, 6-5 Yankees. Then Cano 2 run double, 8-5 Yankees.

2009-02-25T13:30:00.006-05:00

IT'S FINALLY HERE

2009-02-25T13:09:00.005-05:00

For some retarded reason, the YES network, you know the channel about all thing Yankees, is showing an old man mumble talk about sports instead of showing the 1st game of the year. But thanks to Peter Abraham, you can follow his live-blog. And would you look at that, first Yankees spring at-bat of the season, and our excellent center fielder Brett Gardner just homered. Who said he has no power?

YouTubes of the Day

2009-02-25T03:09:00.005-05:00

It's official. The man who once claimed to be the best point guard in the NBA is no longer a Knick. I'll never forget the day we got him, and I'll never forget his time here and the massive disappointment these 5 years have been. And of course, who knows what could've been if he was given a real chance to play in the D'Antoni offense. It's not like we told him to get in shape because we would need him (which he did, as he came to camp in the best shape of his career).

I don't know, I'm very torn about the whole thing. On the one hand, you have a guy who some of his teammates hate and some love, who has had plenty of issues on and off the court. On the other hand however, you have one of the most talented point guards ever, a guy who made putting up 20 points and 8 assists a game look easy, and could get to the rim at will.

I guess I should hate him, but when he goes to Boston and reunites with Kevin Garnett, it'll be hard for me to root against that team, with one of my favorite players reuniting with my favorite player of all time, plus the whole old Timberwolves of the '90s reunion. And you know I love the '90s. I don't know, the whole thing just feels weird.

Anyways, here now, some highlights from his time as a Knick.

So Far, So Good

2009-02-24T19:21:00.004-05:00

Today was our first new practice with our brand spanking new coach. The one thing I took out of that article was how he isn't letting anyone step on the logo on the floor in the locker room. As someone who won't even dribble on the Knicks logo when playing on NBA Live, I wholeheartedly support this decision. Not to say this is why Renney should've been fired, and definitely not to say that Sather should be blame-free, but so far I'm lovin the new guy.

YouTubes of the Day

2009-02-24T01:08:00.004-05:00

I feel bad I skipped out on Random Crap Monday, so to make up to you guys, 2 YouTubes of the Day! Here you go:

#4 on the all-time list:

And #4 on the other all-time list:

Good Times and Good Times!

2009-02-23T23:48:00.005-05:00

So remember a couple of weeks ago how I said I was getting sick of writing good times and bad times posts and wanted to be able to have a day of good times and good times? WOOHOO!

Good times #1:

Goodbye to you sir, along with the horrible assistant coach Perry Pearn whose great power play strategies gave our shorthanded opponents better scoring chances than us.

And welcome back stranger:

While he went 0-3-1 in his first stint with the Rangers, I am very pumped about the John Tortorella Era, Part 2. I like my coaches fiery, more Bill Cowher-like than Wade Phillips. Torts plus Avery's return should equal good times.

And in good times #2:

There was really no need for this game to be so close, but Nate's a freaking beast and I'll take a win any way I can get it.

SLUMDOG!!!

2009-02-22T23:53:00.007-05:00

1st of all, I went 13 for 24 on the picks, not bad when you realize I only saw like 3 relevant movies. One of those movies of course is the one which I immediately declared best movie of the year, and sure enough, lookie lookie what 2008's Best Picture is (not to mention the movie that won 8 of the 24 Oscars).

Here now, your YouTube of the Day:

The Oscars

2009-02-22T20:26:00.004-05:00

I usually couldn't care less about the Oscars, but Slumdog baby Slumdog, so let's make picks. Oh by the way, if you know where to look, feel free to use these picks as gambling advice. But bear in mind that most of these are complete guesses since some categories contain only movies that I haven't seen.

Best Actor: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight

Best Actress: Kate Winslet, The Reader

Supporting Actress: Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler

Animated: Wall-E

Art Direction: Dark Knight

Cinematography: Slumdog

Costume: Benjamin Button

Directing: Slumdog

Documentary Feature: Man on Wire

Documentary Short: The Witness

Film Editing: Slumdog

Foreign Language: The Class

Makeup: Benjamin Button

Music (Score): Slumdog

Music (Song): Jai Ho, Slumdog

Original Screenplay: Wall-E

Adapted Screenplay: Slumdog

Visual Effects: Dark Knight

Sound Editing: Slumdog

Sound Mixing: Slumdog

Short Film (Animated): This Way Up

Short Film (Live Action): Manon on the Asphalt

Best Picture: ~~The Dark Knight~~ Slumdog

YouTube of the Day

2009-02-22T00:20:00.003-05:00

On days when I don't feel like blogging, or even on days when I do, there will be a brand new feature here on the blog, YouTube of the day! Let it begin with this awesome video I was just sent, many thanks to the sender, now get a blog so I can link to you dammit. And hey, everyone out there, feel free to send in your own videos.

2009-02-19T14:49:00.001-05:00

John Harper, shut your face.

Best Video Ever

2009-02-19T00:38:00.001-05:00

The finest instructional video you'll ever see. And hey, how bout dem Rangers!

Good Times and Bad Times

2009-02-12T12:15:00.006-05:00

Getting a little sick of this, hopefully we'll have only good times one of these days, but I guess I should appreciate that it wasn't all bad times like it was during Dream Week. Anyways,

Good Times: We scored 5 goals! We won a game! Why yes, of course it was in a shootout, it's the only way we know how. But in all seriousness, this was a tremendous win against one of the best teams in the league. We absolutely needed to win and we did. That's the very definition of good times.

Bad Times: 2 weeks ago we were looking at 5 games before the All-Star Break. 3 of them at home against arguably the 3 best teams in the league, 2 of them on the road against teams that quite frankly suck. The plan was to go 2-3. We went 0-5. That's the very definition of bad times.

3 in 1 day?

2009-02-11T18:05:00.006-05:00

First things first, more on the Robbie Alomar situation. According to the court papers, in 2004 his girlfriend noticed cold sores in his mouth. In 2005, when he went to Tampa Bay, his physical showed he had thrombocytopenia purpura, a blood disorder sometimes linked to HIV. The doctor told him to have an HIV test, he refused, saying he had been tested and was AIDS-free. Alomar then went on to retire due to health reasons without even playing a game for the Rays, although he was pretty good in MLB 2005.

And oh yeah, the most interesting part of the story, and I quote from the Daily News report:
In April 2005, Alomar told Dall he was suffering from erectile dysfunction and confided "he was raped by two Mexican men after playing a ballgame in New Mexico or a Southwestern state when he was 17," the suit says.

Moving on.

Ex-Yankee Bobby Abreu, who as we know is sweet as candy, has agreed to a deal with the Angels. It'll pay him, if incentives are met, 8 million bucks. Quite the drop off from what he expected to get, and quite a bargain compared to freaking Matsui. Hilariously enough, this deal will require the Angels to drop a guy from their 40-man roster to make room for him. That guy is likely to be ~~ex-Yankee~~ ~~Not Jeter~~ Nick Green, who it turns out has no relevance to anything so I don't care.

Must win games for both the Knicks and Rangers tonight, let's hope for the best.

Fun stat of the day: Notice who's on top, and the insane lead he has over the guy in 2nd.

And finally, old news, but Acie Law IV is the man.

Just a Thought

2009-02-11T12:26:00.005-05:00

In 2003, Alex Rodriguez won the AL MVP. He did so even though he played for a last-place team. While there are those who say that kind of thing shouldn't matter, since hey it's not his fault the other guys suck, I've always been firmly in the how valuable can he really be camp, since they would've just as easily finished in last without him anyway. That year, I thought the award should've gone (non-Captain division of course) to Jorge Posada, who hit .281/.405/.518 with 30 HRs and a very solid job at catcher, or to Manny Ramirez who hit his typically ridiculous .325/.427/.587. Even Varitek would've been a better choice.

Looking at the adjusted OPS+ leaderboard that year in the AL, the MVP was 5th! Delgado and Ramirez were well ahead as the top 2, with Trot Freaking Nixon and Giambi also coming ahead of A-Rod. In Win Shares, he verrrry narrowly edged out Delgado, who finished 2nd, with Posada 5th and Manny 7th. Any way you look at it, it made no sense to have this last-place player win the MVP, not when there were plenty of deserving candidates to choose from. And now, knowing what we know about A-Rod in 2003, is there any doubt that this decision just got more retarded? Delgado who finished 2nd (and even though Toronto missed the playoffs, they finished 3rd and in his case a) they very well may have finished last without him and b) not his fault he was stuck in the same division as the Yanks and the Sox) and Posada who finished 3rd both have extremely legitimate gripes about this.

Even more than Mike Greenwell in 1988, since Canseco actually deserved his at the time.

New Rule

2009-02-11T10:48:00.007-05:00

When this man is on the cover of the Daily News, he also gets posted here. A long overdue rule, but clearly a very important one.

In other news, and hey let's just call this a mini-morning strum, Brett Favre told his agent to say he's retiring. So technically he hasn't said it yet, we're not out of the woods yet, he still has room to change his mind another 40 times. As I've said many times, he is one of the most overrated players ever, especially in the last 10 years, where he cost the Packers many playoff games all by himself.

Also, Roberto Alomar has AIDS. Not sure why I find this so funny, maybe it's because the headline reported the story like the Family Guy barbershop quartet, saying (not just HIV but) he has full-blown AIDS. Hopefully for John Hirschbeck he got AIDS in 1996 or later. And good job not telling that woman he coitused with and who is now suing him. Well played sir.

Must-Read Column

2009-02-10T15:32:00.001-05:00

Absolutely fantastic piece from Filip Bondy in today's Daily News. Enjoy.

The Transcript of A-Rod's interview with Gammons

2009-02-09T19:25:00.003-05:00

The following is taken from ESPN.com:

PETER GAMMONS: Alex, this weekend Sports Illustrated reported that in 2003 you tested positive for testosterone, an anabolic steroid known as Primobolan. What is the truth?

ALEX RODRIGUEZ: When I arrived in Texas in 2001, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me, and I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day.

Back then, it was a different culture. It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that, you know, I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. And I did take a banned substance. You know, for that I'm very sorry and deeply regretful.

... The culture back then, and Major League Baseball overall, was very -- I just feel that, you know, I'm just sorry. I'm sorry for that time. I'm sorry to my fans. I'm sorry for my fans in Texas. It wasn't until then that I ever thought about a substance of any kind, and since then, I've proved to myself and to everyone that I don't need any of that.

PETER GAMMONS: You're saying that the time period was 2001, '2 and '3?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: That's pretty accurate, yes.

PETER GAMMONS: What kind of substances were you taking?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Peter, that's the thing. Again, it was such a loosey-goosey era. I'm guilty for a lot of things. I'm guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions. And to be quite honest, I don't know exactly what substance I was guilty of using.

PETER GAMMONS: Where did you originally get the substance?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Again, at the time, you know, you have nutritionists, you have doctors, you have trainers. That's the right question today: Where did you get it? We're in the era of BALCO...Back then, it was just about what.

There's many things that you can take that are banned substances. I mean, there's things that have been removed from GNC today that would trigger a positive test.

I'm not sure exactly what substance I used. But whatever it is, I feel terribly about it.

PETER GAMMONS: Now, when did you get the wake-up call?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: It wasn't until 2003. I was laying in my bed in Surprise, Arizona. We were doing a team conditioning down by the pool in Arizona. And I suffered a very serious neck injury that went all the way down to my spine. I missed about 2½ weeks of spring training, and I was scared I was going to miss time.

I also had a streak of about 400 games consecutive played, or 300, I'm not sure what the number was. But it was that point in bed that I realized, what am I doing? Not only am I going to hurt my baseball career, but I'm going to hurt my post career.

It was time to grow up, stop being selfish, stop being stupid and take control of whatever you're ingesting. And for that, I couldn't be -- I couldn't feel more regret and feel more sorry because I have so much respect for this game, and, you know, the people that follow me and respect me. And I have millions of fans out there that are, you know, will never look at me the same.

PETER GAMMONS: Let's go back. How were you introduced to these substances? Was it at the gym? Was it from other players?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: The culture, it was pretty prevalent. There were a lot of people doing a lot of things. There was a lot of gray area, too. You know, back then you could walk in GNC and get four or five different products that today would probably trigger a positive test.

It wasn't a real dramatic day once I arrived in Texas that something monumental happened in my life. The point of the matter was that I started experimenting with things that today are not legal or today are not accepted and today you would get in a lot of trouble for.

Ever since that, that incident that happened to me in Arizona, Surprise, I realized that, you know what, I don't need any of it, and what I have is enough. I've played the best baseball of my career since. I've won two MVPs since, and I've never felt better in think career. Of that I'm very proud of.

PETER GAMMONS: So the test that was failed in 2003, that came off -- what were you using of the spring training before you got hurt?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: I'm not sure exactly of the timing of everything, because it is a long time. It's been almost six years. But I do remember thinking in my bed in Arizona, 'What am I doing? Wake up. Stop being selfish.' You get to a point where you get tired of being stupid and selfish and not being honest with yourself. And that's what I realized in '03.

So I am sorry for my Texas years. I apologize to the fans of Texas. And there's absolutely no excuse, and I really feel bad about it.

PETER GAMMONS: To talk a little bit about that culture. It was an underground culture. A player said to me last summer that he really believes in that period between about '98 and 2004, that the players who didn't do one thing or another were either scared or didn't care. Do you agree with that?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: I think you just felt a tremendous need to keep up and to play well. You know, it was hot in Texas every day. It was over a hundred degrees. You know, you felt like, without trying to overinvestigate what you're taking, can I have an edge just to get out there and play every day? And that's what it came down to. I can't speak for everybody who did. I can only speak for myself. Regardless of what we want to [unintelligible] and say and justify, there's absolutely no excuse for what I did. I'm sorry. If I was a fan, a fan of mine, a fan of the Rangers, I would be very pissed off. And I can't take that back. But just realize that I'm sorry, and I want to do things to change.

I want to do things to influence children and realize they should learn from my mistake because, you know, it's the biggest regret I have in my life because baseball's given me everything, and I have so much respect.

There will be some people that say, you know, Alex is not a great player, going back to high school, I mean, they're just going to have this blanket cloud over my career. And for those, they may have their own point, but it feels good coming out and being completely honest and putting it out there and realizing that the more honest we can all be, the quicker we get baseball to where it is today.

PETER GAMMONS: To go back, you were 21 years old. You're saying at that point in your career, high school, No. 1 pick in the country, you're hitting .358 at the age of 21, you were completely clean?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: 100 percent. 100 percent. Even before that I had never even seen or even heard of the idea of taking any substance. I've been very fortunate to come up. I was up at 18 years old. I remember meeting you when I was ... from high school. I was all of 195 pounds or 200 pounds. That was a special time.

And you put my first year and you put my very last year in New York, there haven't been many peaks and valleys. I had the greatest year of my career in 2007. It's a year that I'm very proud of. Although we didn't win a championship, it was a year that was full of -- you know, it was a very historic year. Just to have 2007, 1996, that for me says a lot.

PETER GAMMONS: How much of the culture -- how prevalent was this culture in Texas at that time?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: You know, I've always been a guy that raced my own race. And I don't like to look left, I don't like to look right. You just feel there's an energy. To say only Texas, that wouldn't be fair. But overall, you felt that there was -- I felt a tremendous pressure to play and play really well. I felt like I was going up against the whole world. I just signed this enormous contract. I got unbelievable negative press, for lack of a better term, for [Rangers owner] Tom Hicks and I teaming up together...

So I felt that I needed something, without overinvestigating what I was taking, to get me to the next level.

PETER GAMMONS: How long was it before you found out that what you were doing was actually illegal?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Again, at the time of that culture, there was no illegal or legal. It was just -- you have to understand the time. To take you back there, again, people were taking a number of different things, from GNC, to whatever.

To be quite honest with you, the first time that I knew I had failed a test 100 percent was when the lady from Sports Illustrated [Selena Roberts] came into my gym just a few days ago and told me, 'You have failed a test.'

PETER GAMMONS: [Major League Baseball Players Association COO] Gene Orza didn't tell you that? There's a report that says that he told all the players who failed drug tests in 2003.
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Gene was very specific in 2004. We had a meeting in September or August. Don't quote me on the date. But he said there's a government list, there's 104 players on it. You might or might not have tested positive.

At that point I said OK. That was five years ago. I never heard anything ever since. In my mind I assumed that, OK, whatever I was experiencing in Texas perhaps was OK, I'm OK. And in my mind, as I did my interview with CBS last year, I felt I haven't failed a test ... And that was my belief. Whether I wanted to convince myself of that or ... That's just where my mind was.

I felt it was important for me that all my years in New York have been clean, and I wanted just to move to the next chapter in my life.

PETER GAMMONS: ESPN surveyed a number of doctors and experts in this field, and they said the Primobolan could never be prescribed by a doctor. But it was accessible?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: First of all, I want to see these tests because I haven't seen them ... I am saying I'm guilty of being naive and not having all the information and being negligent. But I would love to see the tests before I start answering questions that I've never even heard before, probably yesterday for the first time.

So, again, I am guilty of being very naive, and I'm deeply sorry for that.

PETER GAMMONS: Now, you mentioned the Katie Couric interview. You were asked if you ever used steroids, human growth hormones or other performance-enhancing substances. You said no, flat-out no. In your mind, that wasn't a lie?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: At the time, Peter, I wasn't even being truthful with myself. How am I going to be truthful with Katie or CBS? Today, I'm here to tell the truth, and I feel good about that. I think my fans deserve that. I'm ready to put everything behind me and go play baseball. You know, we have a great team this year. I couldn't be more excited about the guys that we've brought in, Mark Teixeira, A.J. Burnett ... It's an important time in my life to turn the page and focus on what's next.

PETER GAMMONS: So from 2004 on, you have been completely clean?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Yes.

PETER GAMMONS: Have you even been able to check and find out how many times you've been tested?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: I don't know the real number, but I would guess at least eight to 10 times. But I would like to know that number. I know I've been tested quite a bit over the last five years.

PETER GAMMONS: You were tested during the WBC [World Baseball Classic] in 2006, is that correct?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Correct. I got tested in 2006. And also this year when I go down to Puerto Rico, I'm sure I'll get tested again in 2009.

Prior to Texas, I really had -- at that time in Seattle, I had never even heard of a player taking a substance, a steroid of any kind in my Seattle days. I mean, I know this lady from Sports Illustrated, Selena Roberts, is trying to throw things out there that in high school I tried steroids. I mean, that's the biggest bunch of baloney I've ever heard in my life.

I mean, what makes me upset is that Sports Illustrated pays this lady, Selena Roberts, to stalk me. This lady has been thrown out of my apartment in New York City. This lady has five days ago just been thrown out of the University of Miami police for trespassing. And four days ago she tried to break into my house where my girls are up there sleeping, and got cited by the Miami Beach police. I have the paper here. This lady is coming out with all these allegations, all these lies because she's writing an article for Sports Illustrated and she's coming out with a book in May.

Really respectable journalists are following this lady off the cliff and following her lead. And that, to me, is unfortunate.

PETER GAMMONS: How do you go about making people believe you?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Well, I think coming into the league at 20 years, coming second to Juan Gonzalez as MVP is one good indication. And then, 14 years later in 2007, having the greatest year of my career is another. The other thing is, I'm going to have a sample of 14 years past this Texas area where I get to show and prove to the world who I am as a player. Hopefully I'm part of a championship team or two.

And I also, more importantly, have a chance to, you know, tell the story to kids so they can learn from my mistake. Because there's a story to be said here. I'm looking forward to that challenge.

But to me, '09, now I'm getting excited going to spring training. When you take this gorilla and this monkey off your back, you realize that honesty is the only way. I'm finally beginning to grow up. I'm pretty tired of being stupid and selfish, you know, about myself. The truth needed to come out a long time ago. I'm glad it's coming out today.

PETER GAMMONS: Two years ago when Barry Bonds was passing Henry Aaron, it was written a lot of places, well, the great thing -- when you pass Bonds, the great thing will be we'll finally have a legitimate home run champion. When you read those articles, did you worry a little bit about all this coming back to haunt you?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: You naturally have to worry. I mean, again, there's such a gray area. That era wasn't about facts. That era -- those words you just mentioned, I guarantee that half the guys that did that in any sport don't know what that is.

You basically end up trusting the wrong people. You end up, you know, not being very careful about what you're ingesting. And, yeah, it worried me completely, absolutely. And today, although I know that people are going to be very disappointed, just like I am, I feel good about moving forward and doing things the way I've been doing it the last five years and the way I did it prior to being in Texas. And that's a very important point for me.

PETER GAMMONS: A lot has been said about the fact that the union did not get those samples destroyed, which involves over a hundred players. Are you bitter at all that the union didn't get those tests destroyed?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: No, I mean, God has done this for a reason. There's a reason why. I can care less about what the union did. I could care less about what Selena Roberts did. This has to come out. This is very important.

The most important thing for me in my career is to be honest and forthright, to go into my '09 season as part of the greatest organization in the world, as one of the guys to go out and try to reach our goal.

And when you have that monkey on your back, it's really hard to be the person that you know you can be. It's hard to fulfill your potential that way.

PETER GAMMONS: Over the years, have you talked to anybody about this?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: No.

PETER GAMMONS: You haven't talked to [agent] Scott Boras?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Not one word. Not one word.

PETER GAMMONS: How much did you learn from Andy Pettitte coming forward and essentially admitting what he did last year?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: It was very commendable. I love Andy like a brother. He's one of my best friends on the team. I know he went through a very hard time.

But the one thing is all of us, 1 through 25, we supported him, we loved him, we didn't judge him. And going through this process, Andy has been texting me four or five times.

You know, one thing I'm learning as I get older, and hopefully a little wiser, is that honesty, the truth will set you free. I'm just proud that I'm here sharing my story. Regardless of what the union -- this is no one's fault. This is my fault. I'm responsible for this. And I'm deeply sorry for that.

PETER GAMMONS: Given the opportunity, would you like to go to Major League Baseball and say, 'OK, what can I do to help kids across the country?'
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: 100 percent. I mean, that's what I've done with the Boys and Girls Club my whole life. You know, I was born in Washington Heights [N.Y.]. I would love to really get into that community and do things that are real, that are going to make a difference. And I have an opportunity here to help out a lot of kids. And I have nine years and the rest of my career to devote myself to children in the future and really bring awareness to, you know, where we need to head as a game. And I think we are headed in the right direction.

PETER GAMMONS: Would part of your message be that your best years were clean?

ALEX RODRIGUEZ: 100 percent. One message is that what you have is enough. Hard work is the most important thing, having a clear mind, and realizing that -- you know, having certainty is the most important thing, believing in yourself. And I've proven that in my career, at 18 years old when I came to the big leagues, and at 20 being second to Juan Gonzalez being MVP, probably my best year of all time, you know, followed by my 2007 year. And, again, no peaks and valleys. I mean, there's some peaks and valleys, but my career overall has been very consistent, not only in games played, but being out there for my team and performing at a high level.

I will hang my hat on that. And I just ask the American public to look at those three years as something that -- as an aberration. I screwed up in those years. I was stupid. I was naive. And ever since I've been doing the right thing and proud of.

PETER GAMMONS: Have you talked to Hal and Brian about this?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Yes, I've talked to our front office, uh-huh.

PETER GAMMONS: And what do they say?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: They're supportive. I think overall they just want me to be truthful and be honest. What happened six years ago happened, six, seven, eight years ago. And they're ready for bigger and better things, which is winning a championship. We're a great franchise. We're moving into a new stadium this year. Our fans have been very patient with us. They're ready for us, you know, to turn up the heat a little bit. And I think we have a team that's ready to do all of that. I'm going to be a part of that team and do my best.

PETER GAMMONS: Everyone cares about what other people think.
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Uh-huh.

PETER GAMMONS: This weekend, there was a quote -- there was an unnamed Yankee front-office official who said his legacy is now gone. There's a column in the New York Daily News that started out, now it appears he really is A-Fraud, Alex Rodriguez can forget about have been his run at Barry Bonds' all-time home run record taken seriously and can probably forget about the Hall of Fame, too. What do you say about that?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: I'm sorry if Bill feels that way. He's one of the respected journalist I respect in New York. And, again, you know, I feel that -- I hope that people don't follow this Selena Roberts lady and take their lead. I hope they look at this and give it time and realize that this was three years that I'm not proud of, it's three years I'm going out there, but to really judge me on, you know, prior Texas and post Texas. And that's all I want.

Also, I have nine years remaining in my career where I can still do some pretty special things, I think.

PETER GAMMONS: Are you worried at all what it's going to be like those nine years in New York?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Look, I think New Yorkers like honesty. I think they like people that say the truth. I also think they like great players that know how to win. And I think winning's the ultimate medicine we can take here. If we can win a championship, if we can play well, if we can play well down the stretch, I think New Yorkers love to forgive you.

And right now, I made a mistake. I was stupid. I was an idiot, all these things. And I think New Yorkers can probably relate with that every once in a while. And I think they want to see me, now that I've come forward, continue and, like with Andy Pettitte, be a great player again. PETER GAMMONS: One of your goals all along has been to be in the Hall of Fame. Do you think a player who has tested positive or admitted to taking illegal substances is disqualified from Cooperstown?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: I hope not. I hope not. I mean, I think every case is different. I think you have to look at the data. If you take a career of, you know, 25 years, and you take away three, or you take away 2½, or you take away one, I think overall you have to make a decision.

I don't have a Hall of Fame vote. It would be a dream to be in the Hall of Fame, and I hope one day I get in. But my biggest dreams are now to win a world championship and to be the last team standing on that field.

PETER GAMMONS: Now, Jose Canseco talked a lot in his books about you. He claimed in his last book that he hooked you up with a guy that was very well acquainted with performance-enhancing drugs here in Miami. Is that true?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: That couldn't be more false. That's a hundred percent not true. And, you know, it's kind of interesting how "SportsCenter" and ESPN still quote this guy. No, it's a hundred percent false.

PETER GAMMONS: What do you think the drugs that you took, 2001 through 2003, what do you think it did for your performance?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: I'm not sure. I know that I've always enjoyed hitting in Texas. I think it's a wonderful place to play. It's a great place to hit. But I don't know...

PETER GAMMONS: What do you think is the best evidence that you have been clean since 2004?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Well, I go back further, Peter. When I was 20 years old, I was 210. And today I'm 225. I gained a pound a year for 15 years. That's not a lot of change. I'm also going to be on trial for the next nine years, so 14 years post my Texas era.

I think there's a great sample there for someone who has a Hall of Fame vote to say, OK, I have 20 years of clean baseball, and then make up their mind.

PETER GAMMONS: Do you think it will be hard in the first couple of years to deal with people who bring up "cheating"?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Well, the truth is the truth. Again, I think it's important to get it out there. You know, it might take five years. It might take 10 years. It may never go away. But, you know, being honest is absolutely the only thing for me to do right now.

PETER GAMMONS: You're one of the kings of the tabloids, your private life, your divorce, whatever. Do you start to get tired of celebrity?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Of?

PETER GAMMONS: Being a celebrity?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: It comes with the territory. It really does. I mean, I wouldn't trade my life for anybody. I think I'm really the most fortunate, have such appreciation. Even a day like today I feel very grateful for what God's been able to do for me.

With that, there's been some challenges that are necessary for me to get through. This being one of them. This being the biggest one of my life. You know, divorce was another major thing. It's been a rough couple -- 15 months here for me. But, you know, I have great certainty that I'm going to, you know, overcome this and become a better person for it and a better father.

PETER GAMMONS: As you get a little bit older, what will you tell your daughters?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: I was stupid for three years. I was very, very stupid. And I hope that, again, the Selena Roberts of the world do not try to go back to when I was 15 years old, whatever nonsense she's going to report in her book, or whatever nonsense she's -- whatever information she's collected through stalking me the last three or four years to ruin it more than I've done for myself.

I've made more mistakes than anyone, and for that I'm very sorry.

PETER GAMMONS: What will you tell kids around the country?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: You know, work hard. What you have is enough. You know, believe in yourself. Don't make the mistake that I made.

PETER GAMMONS: As you've been living with this, has this been more difficult than dealing with things like what came out in Joe Torre's book?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: This is by far the most serious thing that's ever happened in my life, along with, you know, my personal life, what happened with my breakup of Cynthia, you know, for the last 13 years. I mean, she was an integral part of my life, and we have two beautiful children. It seems like every year around this time somebody else is coming out with a book, you know, talking about me.

You know, again, I think God has a reason for everything, and I'm sorry we have to be in the middle of these controversies. But at the end of the day, I feel good today about coming forward and being honest and turning the page to the next chapter in my life.

PETER GAMMONS: Did you feel betrayed by Joe Torre?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: No. I haven't read the book, Peter. So, I mean, to even comment on the book wouldn't be fair to Joe, wouldn't be fair to myself.

PETER GAMMONS: Did you hear people call you A-Fraud?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: The one thing is, first of all, let me say I've always had a lot of respect for Joe as a manager. You know, actually the year when he left in '07, I was really excited, we had a huge turnaround. I thought we got along really well. I actually thought we were pretty close.

So I don't have any problems with Joe, and I will not comment on it now or during spring training. Until I read the book, I won't comment.

Peter, in our clubhouse, everybody makes fun of me. I'm talking about from the clubhouse kid, to every coach, Larry, Mike, Joe Torre. Every guy on the team. And I like it. I like taking it. I am not a good ragger, but I am a good receiver.

That's really a compliment the guys feel that comfortable that they can actually make fun of me at any time. So did I hear A-Fraud? We joked around about a lot of things. Listen, 25 guys have 25 different nicknames. So to me there's no harm, no foul there.

PETER GAMMONS: Are you worried now about how often you're going to have to answer these questions about those three years?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Um, well, I'm answering 'em here today. I hope soon enough we can put it in a vault and move forward. I mean, I know the consequences. But I know the truth is the truth.

PETER GAMMONS: Can baseball ever be as much fun for you as it was when you were 21 hitting .358?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Yeah, absolutely. I haven't been part of a world championship team. That's my only goal. I get to start a new chapter in my life where I can only focus on baseball, my team, the fans of New York, and recommitting a hundred percent of my focus.

I can't wait to get to spring training. Because to play with -- going through a divorce, this gorilla on my back, not being 100 percent honest and forthright and being transparent, I get to play baseball, the game I love most. That's my savior, the game of baseball.

So, yes, I mean, it can be as much fun as ever before.

PETER GAMMONS: If a young player or young person said to you, 'Well, if you knew that what you were doing was illegal, why did you do it?' Would you be able to answer that?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Ask that question again, Peter.

PETER GAMMONS: When some young player or some player comes up to you and says, 'All right, you knew that what you were taking was illegal. Why did you do it?' How do you answer that?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Well, I've answered that. I mean, I think it comes back to the culture was much different. It had a lot to do with me being stupid and selfish and naive and just, you know, I got caught up in this 'everybody's doing it' era. So, you know, why not experiment with X, Y or Z?

You know, there's absolutely no excuses, and I feel deep regret for that.

PETER GAMMONS: Do you think it's possible over the next nine years to prove your innocence after 2003?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm going to take it one day at a time, count my blessings every day for having an opportunity to play Major League Baseball, and continue what I've done the last five years, which is play very good baseball past all that era.

PETER GAMMONS: For the good of the game, would you like to see all those 104 names released from the positive tests in 2003?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: I don't have any interest in any of that. I mean, obviously I would defer to Major League Baseball, the commissioner's office, and the union to deal with those matters.

The one thing that I'm proud of is coming forthright about my own situation ..."

PETER GAMMONS: Did you learn anything from the congressional hearings and some of the players with comments who have been in staunch denial? Did you learn from them?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: You know, again, I don't like to focus on anybody else but my situation. I think there's always something to be learned. There's a lesson to be learned in every situation.

I just know that for me, you know, putting everything out there and being honest was the most important thing.

PETER GAMMONS: Are you concerned that over the next few months this will hurt baseball?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Maybe over the next few months it will hurt baseball, but in the long run, I think it will help. I think any time you put the truth out there, I think it's very painful in the beginning, but I think at the end of the tunnel, there will be light. And, you know, I think the more of that that happens, the more light will be revealed at the end of the tunnel for the game of baseball as well.

PETER GAMMONS: Young players that you talk to, kids say, 'All right, start with this,' what do you regret most, what would you answer?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Start with what? What do you mean?

PETER GAMMONS: What do you regret most?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Definitely not educating myself and realizing at the time. I mean, in hindsight we can all look back and say these are all my mistakes. Very simple to look at that right now.

Just probably overall my mistakes I made in Texas.

PETER GAMMONS: What do you think the headline will be tomorrow in New York?
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: I have no idea. I mean, you know, the one good thing is, I feel the truth will always set you free.

PETER GAMMONS: Thank you.

Transcript provided by ASAP Sports.

I want to believe him. As much as I rag on him, as much as I oftentimes can't freaking stand him and his stupid purple lips (which now appear to be a side effect of steroid use), as much as some of his comments here don't make any sense, I don't want players on my teams to cheat. I want to win, but I want to win fair and square. So if he wants to say he stopped using steroids before he came to the Yankees? Fine by me. As someone who has spent much of the last week and a half dealing with LSAT crap, I can tell you it is very easy to lawyer things up here and say that since the only failed tests and admissions came from the Texas years you can't say anything steroidswise about the last 5 years. That's basic logical reasoning right there.

Obviously you would never hear such a report about the Captain, since he is above all of this nonsense. This idiot unfortunately isn't and now we'll have to deal with this distraction all season. But I can tell you this much: If he hits a homer (not one of those classic inconsequential usual A-Rod homers, but an actual clutch homer), I'll be cheering, regardless of what happened in the past before he came to The Bronx.

Random Crap Monday

2009-02-09T17:42:00.003-05:00

Due to the LSAT it's been awhile since I blogged and there's a lot going on that needs to be blogged about, and some of this stuff really deserves its own post and undoubtedly will get that treatment. For now though, let the tradition of Random Crap Monday continue:

A-Roid (more on this to come soon, especially the great quote from the Captain- "Why would I worry about me being on the list?"), my boy Big Al Jefferson out for the year, Ray Lewis to the Cowboys?, a tough Knicks loss, Rangers-Devils tonight, Avery maybe coming back to the Rangers, the LSAT along with its retarded proctors, Obama's wonderful Cabinet, I'm on a boat, the Grammys, Chris Brown beat up Rihanna?, and the formation of the Dachs, Elie, & Shmuly half law firm, half detective agency-solving crime since 2009. Lot of random crap there, we'll see what gets some details soon enough.

And finally, in truly horrible news, RIP Elchonon Kramer, very solid guy who I went to high school with who collapsed while running on a treadmill. Only 21 years old, I guess the best, and most unique, way to describe him would be to say he managed not to be a Marty.

This is Getting Ridiculous

2009-02-04T22:04:00.004-05:00

Not gonna go into too much detail since I have to get back to LSAT studying but as you may have noticed in the labels I went into great length in talking about the Knicks loss to the Lakers, specifically Kobe's 61 points.

Well apparently the rumors are true. During the summer, when Mike D'Antoni was one of the assistant coaches for Team USA, the superstars on the team, depending on which reports you believe, either told, or promised, or Guaran-Dachs-teed Coach D'Antoni that they would drop 50 when they came to the Garden.

Move over Kobe and your 61 points with only 3 assists and 0 rebounds. King James (not from the King James bible) has just thrown up a ridiculous stat line of 52 points, 11 assists and 10 rebounds plus 2 blocks. I'm so happy the Garden continues to inspire such greatness.

Congratulations to a Great Ranger

2009-02-04T02:43:00.002-05:00

Random Crap Monday

2009-02-02T17:15:00.005-05:00

1st, the Super Bowl. One of the greatest ever although it was absolutely ridiculous that Arizona's last play wasn't even reviewed. I've been saying for awhile how Fitzgerald's an absolute beast, but I'm upgrading that to Larry Fitzgerald is The Truth. Warner was fantastic except for the awful slant to James Harrison. Congrats to him for breaking Montana's Super Bowl record for career passing yards in the losing effort.

As for the Steelers, that last pass from Rongrastname to Holmes in triple coverage was worthy of 5 smirre and they deserved to win this game. Congratulations to my co-host, I'm sure he'll have some thoughts on the victory over at his constantly updated blog. The bad news? If Arizona had held on to win 23-20 I would've finally won a football squares pool. Tough break for the kid, maybe next time.

Onto the other random crap:

The best commercial was obviously the Ford commercial with The Captain. In the non-Jeter division the award obviously goes to Pepsuber. Too bad they didn't show all 3 that aired the night before on SNL. Watch the greatness right here.

Speaking of SNL, another great job by Fred Armisen as Gov. Paterson. How do you know the worst is behind you? When you see a sign saying now leaving New JERSey.

Awesome Office after the game. Start to finish one of the best episodes ever, definitely the funniest of recent memory. The opening was as good as it gets (up there with Dwight getting faxes from himself. from the future.), and hey look! New opening sequence finally!

Andrew Bynum tore his MCL and will be out 8-12 weeks. While if he's back and fully ready to go for the playoffs this shouldn't affect the Lakers too badly, if like last year he ends up missing the rest of the year well then that sucks for the Lakers. Coming into this season their whole gameplan was we'll be as good as last year plus we'll have a healthy and improving Bynum which will put us over the top and help us beat the Celtics. Although from a personal standpoint this is great for me as now Lamar Odom will finally help my fantasy team.

Great night of TV ahead of us tonight as Gossip Girl returns from its random week off, and then 24 plus How I Met Your Mom's return (but download it, don't watch it on you know what) plus the return of the most unintenionally funny show on TV today, Heroes! Welcome back Mohinder, any luck with that gravity/electron density issue yet?

Good Times and Bad Times, Redux

2009-01-31T23:18:00.008-05:00

Good times: The Knicks beat Indiana in Indiana 122-113 for our 3rd straight win and giving them their 1st loss this month. We have also won 6 of 7 and are now already 2 wins away from matching last year's win total. Al Harrington with 31 and 8, D-Lee with 23 and 17, Chandler with 16 and 8 off the bench.

Bad times: The immortal Tuukka Rask shut us down. 35 shots, 35 saves, his 1st shutout in his 4th start as we lose 1-0. Awsesome. Can we fire Renney yet?

Also the Macs lost, at least we kept it close against one of the top 2 teams in the conference. Too bad half our team is injured and Zach and Schauly who were both in attendance are no longer on the team.

Super Bowl stuff tomorrow. Although since I'll probably be busy with opening day of the seforim sale (Section manager of the English Halacha section represent!) and the official APT 1A SB party, let's be honest, I'm not gonna get to it. So yeah, Steelers should win, but we want Arizona to win so Dallas can remain tied for most SB wins all-time.

In other football stuff, congrats to Derrick Thomas and ex-Cowboy great Bob Hayes for finally being inducted into the Hall of Fame, along with Randall McDaniel, Bruce Smith, Ralph Wilson and Rod Woodson.

And finally, pepsi. Pepsi pepsi pepsi pepsi pepsi pepsi pepsi, pepsi. Pepsi pepsi pepsi pepsi MacGruber PEPSI.

Deathmatch Round 1 Part 4

2009-01-30T02:29:00.003-05:00

Make believe there's a deathmatch picture here. I'm tired, lazy, and South Park's on so use your imagination.

Purple Lips killed Baraka. For the 1st time in his life Purple Lips came through in the clutch.

Nightline took out Segal. This is a huge favor to Ugly Transvestite Chick since Segal is known for killing his own captain.

Kilinkies beat Dachs's Stuffage. Now you'll have to listen to Emo Crap or Bencion's Library.

Broken Guitars smashed Carmy (Casino, Emo Crap and Romo can no longer win since he was their captain). Screw you Carmy, I hope you get upstrummed forever.

Guarantaz beat Shaina (Klinger People, Turkey Juice and Turgel's beard can't win). All that leather-bound money and she still got guarantazzed.

Winky smashed Broken Mirror. He then gave it as a going away present to John and his beloved Doc.

Jersey blithering retorted The Kouz (Cheryl, Warning Track Power and Norm...And Peter Yay can no longer win).

Dachs's Old Blog beat YU Cleaners. The power of Jeter Christ compels.

Holly Davis took out the Senile Old Lady.

Her husband Lewis Davis then shat all over 2girls1cup, former sponsors of Dachs and Elie. Was that equitable? Discuss.

Good Times and Bad Times

2009-01-29T01:35:00.004-05:00

Good times: Winning 5 straight at home for the 1st time in 2 years. David Lee getting his 9th straight double-double. Finally beating the Hawks. Moving to .005 percentage points of a playoff spot. Winning our 20th game before the All-Star break for the 1st time in 4 years.

Bad times: Giving up 5 goals in the 3rd period. Seriously?! 5 freaking goals! It was a nice 1-1 game and then wham, 3rd period. We're still solidly in the playoffs but we're running out of time to assert our dominance on the division. I miss Jagr and Avery so damn much. Of course it couldn't help that even though we've played more games than everyone but Anaheim, we still start the 2nd half with a back-to-back. Stupid schedule makers.

Deathmatch Round 1 Part 3

2009-01-28T14:15:00.002-05:00

I'm sure eventually I'll cover some other stuff on this blog like in the good ol' days (Super Bowl? Mosley/Margarito? There you go, they've been covered.), but for now, on this glorious snow day, we have more Round 1 results from Deathmatch.

Cash 4 Gold killed Shelley. Shelley went very politely and she will be missed.

Clyde Frog took out Michael Scarn (Seforim Sale, Slow Punch and noted hermaphrodite bedwetter Eli Manning can no longer win as well, as well). Clearly Scarn should've had a real gun with him, instead of relying on his improv skills.

Kig-Ram was poisoned by the Klinger Water and was disgusted by it. Klinger representatives are now 3-0 so far in Deathmatch.

In the first matchup of captains, Meles killed Greg lol. Lol, lol. (Wake up Foo, Tovi, and Guiel?! say goodbye to their chances of winning.)

And finally, after staving off an attack from an Electron Density zombie, Gravity was Raped in the Face. And just like that, Mohinder really is running out of excuses as to why he can't figure out what caused the heroes to lose their powers. Kudos to Raped in the Face who although it can't win since its idiot captain Matt Berger got himself killed, is still going out and getting the job done. Well done Raped in the Face!

Deathmatch Round 1, Batch 2

2009-01-28T03:29:00.004-05:00

Joanna Angel blew The House down. She felt badly about this though and proceeded to clean The House's bathrooms.

Kevin Malone killed Dachs. Wait. Dammit. That's me. I'm dead (and Breslov, Lea and Rappaport can no longer win). Fortunately I still have representation in the tournament but still, balls. This sucks. I hope Kevin chokes on his M&Ms.

Finally a captain escaped the 1st round as Bryna Roth defeated If U Seek Amy. So many jokes to make, too many random people who may be reading this.

Inspired by this victory, captain Kushner took down Heartbreakers. Or is it, heartbreaKERS!!!

Norm MacDonald attempted to kill Dachs & Elie. Fortunately for the greatest radio show of all time, WYUR is broken and therefore we managed to escape before it was too late. Norm proceeded to then devour Turkey Penis, and captains now have a 3-game winning streak.

Stay tuned to this blog for all the Deathmatch news and results.

Deathmatch Results Round 1

2009-01-28T01:42:00.002-05:00

I was really going to get to that Marbury chat, but a more pressing matter has come to the forefront. The early games in the first round of Deathmatch have just ended and here are the results:

Chin-Chan killed Matt Berger. Matt was a captain (not to be confused with The Captain), so this eliminates his team from victory (although those surviving members -The House, Broken Bobbleheads, Raped in the Face- can still kill others).

Pop a Hoodie annihilated Ed. Pop a Hoodie is one of the favorites to take down the big prize while Ed really had no idea what he was getting himself into.

Romo beat Decisio-CHOICE. All there is to say about this one is ROMO!

Rappaport beat and pillaged Ellen May (she was a captain so this also eliminates WiiTV, Rihanna, MotherChucker from winning). Another of the Klinger representatives advances.

B.Y.O.B. on Expert took down Electron Density, which sucks for Mohinder, although that does eliminate 1 of the myriad possibilities.

More to come as the results come in. May the best man/chick/concept/phrase/whatever the hell else is in this game win.

It's Stephon Marbury Day on the ESPN Family of Networks

2009-01-27T16:55:00.003-05:00

Not sure how this happened, or if there's any precedent for a player under contract being given a forum to speak his mind all day on national TV and Radio as well (as well) as giving him a forum on their website to speak about his cheap sneakers, but either way, we're in the midst of Starbury Day on ESPN. Earlier today he was on Sportscenter, Outside The Lines and Tirico and Van Pelt and is in the midst of an online chat on ESPN.com. Let's have some fun with this. I'm gonna FJM the live-chat sometime tonight. I haven't read it yet, but I couldn't help but notice that the best point guard in the NBA showed up at 4:32 for the 4:00 chat.

I'm sure ESPN will give Donnie Walsh the same broadcast opportunity to offer a rebuttal.

Oh by the way ESPN, have you heard about Pedroia's brother? Oh, not yet? Ok, take your time, thanks.

More Random Crap Monday

2009-01-26T22:19:00.003-05:00

These 2 things deserve their own blog posts, but hey, it's Random Crap Monday, gotta play by the rules.

Seriously T.O.? You really need to do this?

In happier news, HOW BOUT DEM KNICKS! Finally, a 4th quarter comeback, over a very good team no less. We're making the playoffs, good times are here again.

Also, I forgot to put this in the 1st random crap post, but SKAIST!!!

Random Crap Monday

2009-01-26T16:36:00.005-05:00

It's Monday, the crappiest day of the week. What better day to have a day devoted to Random Crap than Monday? Not Thursday, I'll tell you that much. Onto the random crap:

"Blame It" by Jamie Foxx/T-Pain: Yeah, to say this song is stuck in my head is an understatement. "Blame it on the vodka"-truer words have never been spoken.

8 days until the Torre/A-Fraud jealous of the Captain book, 19 until pitchers and catchers.

Today was Chinese New Year. For the first time ever I went to the parade and I gotta say, the Chinese do a strange but fun shindig. Yellow dragon power!

Boston Red Sox hero and regining American League The Writers are Retarded MVP Dustin Pedroia's brother was arrested and charged with child molestation. Shockingly ESPN.com has nothing on the story yet; surely the same thing would happen if Kevin Cash's brother would be arrested. But more importantly, let us take a moment to be creeped out by Pedroia's family member, and of course, let us point and laugh at any Red Sox fans in our midst.

Now this is a contract that makes sense. If Pettitte earns the 12 million, fantastic.

How bout dem Knicks winning 3 in a row. We're making the playoffs, especially now that current 8th seed Milwaukee's best player is out for the season. And David Lee is deserving of the All-Star Game. Speaking of which, here are my picks for the reserves. In the East: Lee, Danny Granger, Chris Bosh, Joe Johnson, Devin Harris, Andre Iguodala, and Rashard Lewis. In the West, Dirk, Big Al Jefferson (By the way, how crazy is the fact that the T-Wolves have the best record in '09? When you take into account the fact that 2008 doesn't count, they're the best team in the league), Brandon Roy, Kevin Durant, Carmelo (if healthy, otherwise Pau Gasol), Shaq, and Chauncey Billups.

The NHL All-Star Game happened. Lundqvist was fantastic during the Skills Competition, then apparently went out drinking and therefore was Brodueresque during the Game itself. That's right, I'm blamin' it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.

I want to If U Seek A-her

2009-01-22T14:38:00.006-05:00

And now the real big news of the day.

After the outstanding success of great videos like Womanizer and Circus, comes the 3rd single. A poll was held on Britney's website to decide which song it should be, and If U Seek Amy won. Now, I will admit the 1st few times I heard the song I didn't realize this, but eventually I came to understand the true meaning of the song. Now, parents of youngsters who are listening to my rebbetzin sing are understanding the song as well. (AS WELL! Speaking of which, Klinger's back, hide the children.)

If you still don't get it, here is the chorus: Love me, hate me, say what you want about me. But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy.

Note the seemingly incorrect grammar at the end there. Jeter Christ, I love her.

Alonzo Mourning Retires

2009-01-22T14:08:00.003-05:00

Alonzo Mourning just retired (finally). As a Knick fan I obviously can't stand this guy. However, in tribute to him, 4 truly great moments from his career.

And finally,

Good times? Good times.

Hey, how's it going?

2009-01-19T19:46:00.003-05:00

Bunch of stuff to get to but no time (but she did, no time!), maybe later. So what's the point of this post? To tell everyone that in a mere 10 minutes the episode of Gossip Girl that I saw get filmed will be on. Will I be on TV? Am I the reason Chuck and Blair aren't together? Tune in to find out.

Um, what?

2009-01-13T12:37:00.001-05:00

Bear in mind this comes from the Post, and bear in mind that the accuser is a convicted felon, but still, Jeter Christ this is just odd.

The Best Movie of 2008

2009-01-12T22:58:00.003-05:00

I did guaran-Dachs-tee there would be a blog post today, so to whoever I said that, click the ad.

Of course, while I guaran-Dachs-teed a post, I didn't say anything about the length, so some quick thoughts on some random crap while I study for the LSAT.

Slumdog Millionaire is a freaking awesome movie. I was going to do a whole review but most people I've spoken to today haven't seen it yet, so let's just say it is well deserving of its Golden Globe for Best Picture, it'll be well deserving of many Oscars (yes, it's better than Batman, no, I didn't see The Wrestler), so go see it.

The Knicks managed to beat the Hornets in New Orleans. Naturally, Tim Thomas sucked in the 2nd half, but fortunately D'Antoni had the bright idea to yank him out of the game before it was too late.

The blog's prognostication went 0-4 this week. Not good times, but in all fairness I did switch one of my picks to the Eagles so yeah! 1-3!

And finally, Jim Rice? Really?!

UPDATE: Holy crap I can't believe I forgot this story. So we're at the theater, and while in line there's a couple behind us talking about which movie they should see. While the whole conversation was hilarious, one movie discussion stands out from all the others.

Dude: Hey, what about Seven Pounds? I heard that was good.
Chick: Who's in it?
Dude: That guy, he's tall, he played Ray Charles. One of the Wayans brothers I think.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2009-01-11T16:09:00.005-05:00

My thought process coming into this game was that I obviously can't root for either team, but I hate the Eagles more so I'll root against them. Oh how wrong I was. As soon as I saw the hermaphrodite bedwetter pictured above I knew there was only 1 possible thing I could root for: The continued sucking of everything that he does. My favorite Eli Manning moment of the day? The failed QB sneak on 4th and inches. Giant fans, suck it. Manning sucks, Jacobs sucks, Bradshaw spent more time in jail than Pac-Man, Plaxico shot himself, it ain't 2008 anymore baby. Sweet baby Jeter, 2009 is here!

And to any comments I'll get about how the Cowboys didn't even make the playoffs, bite me. 2008 has already been established as a truly horrible year from which nothing can be proven, while 2009 to this point has been pretty damn awesome. ROMO!

Quick Picks

2009-01-09T15:08:00.003-05:00

I'm less than 24 hours removed from writing almost 3500 words about Reb Yisroel Salanter, so no details today. Onto the prognostication:

2-2 last week, 1-0 guaran-Dachs-tees:

Titans over Ravens (in the guaran-Dachs-tee of the week), Panthers over Cardinals, Giants over Eagles (Jeter Christ how I hate both teams), Chargers over Steelers (sorry Elie, after much thought I think SD not just covers, but wins outright).

In other news: Tim Tebow is as awesome as Tim Thomas sucks, Eddy Curry is really fat, and I would rather have Smoltz and Sheets than Burnett, even without factoring in the fact that we'd be saving about 3 million a year.

A Blast From The Past

2009-01-05T04:26:00.003-05:00

Classic video. Enjoy.

How Bout Dem Knicks!

2009-01-04T21:39:00.009-05:00

Forget the NFL playoffs. Forget my short encounter with a short punk porn star with pink hair who used to be somewhat frum (no, the curtains don't match the drapes, thanks for asking). Forget the Johnnies' huge upset over Notre Dame. Forget UNC's stunning upset at home to Boston College. Forget the continued reports that Phillips/Garrett are here to stay. Forget finals. Forget papers. There is only 1 big news of the day, on this day.

The defending NBA champions, with a record this season of 29-5, came into the Mishkan, the true Mecca of Sports, the one, the only, Madison Square Garden, and got beat convincingly by your NEW. YORK. KNICKS!

Wilson Chandler was a beast with 31 and 8 (Thanks Isiah!), Al Harrington dropped 30, D-Lee with 14 and 14, plus we held Ray Allen to 16 points and KG to 6 and 9. I'm just sayin, we beat the defending champs, clearly we're the best team in the league. D'Antoni rules.

Well that was B.S.

2009-01-03T23:39:00.003-05:00

It's always a little fishy when the refs get more 1st downs than the offense, but hey, San Diego won fair and square, right? Whatever, the blog goes down to 1-1 and I still have 350 pages of finance crap to read by 1. Not good times. Let's get to tomorrow's picks

Baltimore at Miami

Earlier this season, Baltimore beat Miami in Miami, and it wasn't close. I see no reason for this to change, and it may be an even bigger blowout. In my guaran-Dachs-tee of the week, Ravens win, 31-13.

Philly at Minnesota

The Eagles may be better but I can't in good conscience pick them, so let's say Peterson runs over them all day for 150 yards and 2 TDs, and the Vikings win 27-21.

NFL Playoff Prognostication

2009-01-02T14:07:00.007-05:00

Even though the Boys aren't in it we can still make picks and make money, right? With our mind on our money (and it really goes without saying but our money on our mind), here's what's going to happen in tomorrow's games.

Atlanta at Arizona

Michael Turner will have a big day but Matt Ryan won't, and the Kurt Warner/Larry Fitzgerald combo will be too much for a Falcons team that has sucked on the road for most of the season.

Cardinals win 35-23.

Indy at San Diego

Peyton Manning won the MVP again today, tying him with Brett Favre for most all-time. He'll back that interesting decision up with a good game tomorrow. The Chargers won't be able to stop Indy's passing game, plus they have big injury concerns on offense with Gates and Tomlinson missing practice. They'll both play but it won't be enough. Also, remember Norval Turner makes Wade Phillips look like Jimmy Johnson.

Colts win 38-28.

I will be back tomorrow with my prognostication for Sunday's games. This is Moishie Dachs for YouTube Blog.

Oh and by the way, while we're on the subject, if you haven't seen this yet, go for it. In fact, we'll just call it the YouTube Video of the Week, I believe.

UPDATE: So I'm handling some business on Bodog when I see this prop:

Will Tony Romo be engaged to Jessica Simpson by week 1 of the 2009 NFL season?

Any wager after outcome becomes public knowledge will be graded no action. Announcement must be made before the start of week 1 of the 2009 NFL season for yes option to be graded a winner. Max $100

Yes	+350
No	-500 Isn't gambling awesome?

The Greatest Blog Ever

2009-01-01T20:13:00.003-05:00

I like to think this blog is pretty awesome, but clearly it's at best the 2nd-best out there. Unfortunately this other blog has only extremely sporadic posting (I know what you're thinking, shut it), but here is its latest entry. It is the greatest blog post ever. That's real science, so I'll drop that one again. It is the greatest blog post ever.

Also, yeah, Barkley's the man.

Crisis Averted

2009-01-01T17:12:00.002-05:00

Yesterday there were reports saying that Viacom and Time Warner were in a contract dispute, with Viacom wanting Time Warner to pay more money. With the deal running out as the clock struck 2009, rumor had it we Time Warner subscribers would be losing 18 channels, including Comedy Central, Nick, the MTVs, the VH1s, Spike. Not good times. Dachs needs his Daily Show/Colbert combo. Not to mention such awesome shows like Flavor of Love and The Fairly Oddparents. But they came to terms, sort of, and now we don't lose any channels.

See? Told you 2009 was gonna be awesome.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T03:43:00.002-05:00

Yeah, yeah, it's still 2008, but considering how this year has absolutely sucked (no, I'm not blogging about Sunday's game, I've said everything I wanted to say in real life talking stuff and it hurts too much to think about it and type) I'm all for starting '09 early. Here's to a great 2009.

It's still so sweet

2008-12-24T19:17:00.001-05:00

TEIX!!!

2008-12-23T15:45:00.003-05:00

Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. TEIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't Mess With The Best

2008-12-22T05:16:00.001-05:00

Watch your back CBS, you're next.

Why CBS Sucks

2008-12-21T22:47:00.002-05:00

So as some of you may know, I was in a Suicide pool, in which I was doing really well, staying alive through the 1st 15 weeks of the season. Then came this week.

Going in I had the least confidence I had of any week since I was stuck picking the horrible Denver Broncos (although in hindsight I had no doubt Seattle was winning today so I should've picked them). Obviously, Denver was losing, but then a straight-up miracle happened. The Jet game ended early so CBS switched to the Buffalo-Denver game. Good times, right? No, so sadly no.

There I am, watching Denver make a spirited comeback, when CBS decides its viewers would rather watch 60 minutes than football. I've never liked CBS, partly because I'm an NBC guy and I just can't understand how CBS is supposedly the #1 network. The only shows on CBS I like are Letterman and How I Met Your Mom and obviously whatever they got going on sportswise. Well bite me CBS. Never again will your old person network grace my TV screen again. Maybe I'll download stuff or go to a bar to watch, but either way, bite me CBS.

In other football news, how bout dem Cowboys. We've somehow managed to continue to control our destiny, how's about actually winning a freaking game now. Do or die next week, it's that simple.

Seriously Broncos, what the hell. I hope you lose next week to my new friends, the Chargers, who did a great job helping us today by beating Tampa Bay.

Now if Carolina can beat the Giants, maybe it'll be an all's well that ends well situation. Until then, at least it's Chanukah. Chanukah rules!

WiiTV Live-Blog

2008-12-16T14:30:00.003-05:00

Alright, 1st ever live blog on this here blog. If you're not watching WiiTV, you're really missing out. So now, 5 minutes of WiiTV. And here, we, go.

Today's episode begins with Meg Griffin taking a nap. And now Kige Ramsey powerwalking his way towards her, but first he has to sneeze. So he did. Gesundheit Kige. Wow, there's a bit of a cold bug going around as Chin Chan and Hooters sneeze as well. As well. As Butthead spaces out, Taz and Turgel walk toward E-Mac, then stop. And there's Quagmire, and wouldn't you know, he sneezes too. And Turgel sneezes too, seriously Turgel, cover your mouth dammit. Because of you Max had to sneeze also. I think the name of this episode is Everybody Sneezes. I like the episode where the characters speak to each other more, but what can you do, maybe it'll be on later. And Gabi and Butthead now doing the ritual walk around each other without doing or saying anything. Chin-Chan is literally just walking in circles, those mouse traps are gonna get her. AND WITH 1 MINUTE LEFT IN THE EPISODE DACHS MAKES AN APPEARANCE! OH FREAKING BABY!!! And now I'm off camera again, that's unfortunate. This episode sucked, maybe because I'm not high enough yet, or maybe because Klinger sucks all the enjoyment out of life. Either way, live-blogged. Now go click the ad again.

The Natural Order Has Been Restored

2008-12-15T16:47:00.004-05:00

One "quarterback" goes 18/35 for 191 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INT.

One quarterback goes 20/30 for 244 yards, 2 TDs, 0 INT.

All is right with the world once again, as yesterday the 'Boys flattened the Giants. Romo completely outplayed the hermaphrodite bedwetter as it should be, the pass rush was beastly, Newman with 2 picks, Tashard Choice (not Tanard you retard Tiki Barber) filling in quite nicely for the hobbled Barbarian, and for at least one night things were back to normal.

Now we still control our own destiny, albeit with 2 very hard games left to play, while the Giants continue to shoot themselves in the thigh, doing what they can to throw away what once seemed an easy road to home field throughout the playoffs (although Eli generally sucks less on the road, since he apparently can't handle the pressure of playing in New Jersey, and his little baby arm can't handle wind).

My 3 favorite things about this game:

3. Jason Witten's catch and run against noted criminal Antonio Pierce. The linebacker, who obstructed justice by hiding Plaxico (not actually a real name) Burress's gun, attempted to tackle Witten. But Witten's long arm of the law, representing truth, justice, and the American Way, stiff-armed him to the new stadium.

2. In 12 games against everyone else this season, the Giants have allowed 11 sacks. In 2 games against us? 12.

1. A touchdown is worth 6 points, 6 times 2 equals 12, 20-8 is what we call a two-touchdown victory, so, you know, guaran-Dachs-teed.

ROMO!

Isn't this a sports blog?

2008-12-11T16:17:00.000-05:00

Yeah so lot of random stuff recently, let's get back to basics with some quick thoughts on what's going on in the world the last couple of days.

First, Sabathia. The contract's insane, I'd rather have Teixeira, but the Captain is happy with the move and I may have bet on us getting him so if the rumors are true, okay then.

The Mets trade. Putz's agent says he doesn't want to be a setup guy, although that could've been just to get him out of Seattle. Either way, K-Rod/Putz are infinitesimally better than Kunz/Heilman, good trade for the Mets. They still suck though.

The newest news, a source on ESPN.com saying there's jealousy on T.O.'s part of Romo's relationship with Witten. I was trying to keep this blog PG-13, but enough's enough, so for one paragraph, earmuffs it for me if you need to.

ESPN, shut the fuck up. Media, shut the fuck up. Players on other teams commenting about the Cowboys, shut the fuck up. All you've been doing since we signed T.O. was stoke nonexistent flames and say it's only a matter of time until Romo gets Garciaed or McNabbed. After a loss, guys are going to be frustrated. If they say things in the heat of the moment about how we as a team played, as T.O. did this week, so be it. What matters is that on Sunday he will show up and play his ass off as we rape the Giants in the face. And if the worst should happen and he runs his mouth to the extent changes need to be made? We got Roy Williams for the next 5 years who's 8 years younger and almost as good already, so worry about your own team. (Quick note about the Giants since we are playing them this week and since I need to put this in the cursing paragraph: Your quarterback is still a hermaphrodite bedwetter with Down Syndrome and your #1 receiver is fucking retarded. You will lose by at least 2 touchdowns this Sunday, maybe 3. Guaran-Dachs-teed.)

Alright, earmuffs off, it's safe to come out now.

The Knicks and Rangers won last night, that's good.

Cuttino Mobley retired, that's unfortunate for him.

Dylan wants me to mention how we shot pool a couple of nights ago, and Taz wants me to mention how I got back-to-back 100%s on Guitar Hero:World Tour playing Rooftops by Lost Prophets and The One I Love by R.E.M. Done and done. (Moishe, if you want that video, all you have to do is ask in the comments. Make me feel warm and fuzzy baby.)

And finally, quick shoutout to Leighton.

Spotted!

2008-12-09T18:10:00.004-05:00

Spotted. B and Dachs. We thought B was only into Upper East Siders, guess she's into West Siders as well. Pop that hood. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

More Awesomeness

2008-12-09T02:47:00.000-05:00

Good Times

2008-12-09T01:55:00.001-05:00

Hey, remember when this happened? Or did you never read it? Either way, it still holds up.

Oh Baby

2008-12-08T18:06:00.003-05:00

Full House may be making a comeback. From the SFGate:

The cast of the '90s sitcom "Full House" -- the show that launched the careers of the Olsen Twins -- is planning to return to the small screen in an up-to-date version.

Mary-Kate and Ashley found fame sharing the role of little Michelle Elizabeth Tanner in the comedy, which ran from 1987 to 1995.

It also made stars out of castmembers Bob Saget, John Stamos, Jodie Sweetin, Davie Coulier and Candace Cameron Bure.

And Stamos is plotting to reunite at least some of the cast for a "semi-remake."

Cameron Bure tells OK! magazine, "John has been working on a semi-remake of "Full House."

"I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women."

The pilot presumably deals with hardcore Catholic D.J. taking in her troubled meth-addicted sister.