Happy New Year!

Yeah, yeah, it's still 2008, but considering how this year has absolutely sucked (no, I'm not blogging about Sunday's game, I've said everything I wanted to say in real life talking stuff and it hurts too much to think about it and type) I'm all for starting '09 early. Here's to a great 2009.

It's still so sweet

TEIX!!!

Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. Teix. TEIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't Mess With The Best

Watch your back CBS, you're next.

Why CBS Sucks

So as some of you may know, I was in a Suicide pool, in which I was doing really well, staying alive through the 1st 15 weeks of the season. Then came this week.

Going in I had the least confidence I had of any week since I was stuck picking the horrible Denver Broncos (although in hindsight I had no doubt Seattle was winning today so I should've picked them). Obviously, Denver was losing, but then a straight-up miracle happened. The Jet game ended early so CBS switched to the Buffalo-Denver game. Good times, right? No, so sadly no.

There I am, watching Denver make a spirited comeback, when CBS decides its viewers would rather watch 60 minutes than football. I've never liked CBS, partly because I'm an NBC guy and I just can't understand how CBS is supposedly the #1 network. The only shows on CBS I like are Letterman and How I Met Your Mom and obviously whatever they got going on sportswise. Well bite me CBS. Never again will your old person network grace my TV screen again. Maybe I'll download stuff or go to a bar to watch, but either way, bite me CBS.

In other football news, how bout dem Cowboys. We've somehow managed to continue to control our destiny, how's about actually winning a freaking game now. Do or die next week, it's that simple.

Seriously Broncos, what the hell. I hope you lose next week to my new friends, the Chargers, who did a great job helping us today by beating Tampa Bay.

Now if Carolina can beat the Giants, maybe it'll be an all's well that ends well situation. Until then, at least it's Chanukah. Chanukah rules!

WiiTV Live-Blog

Alright, 1st ever live blog on this here blog. If you're not watching WiiTV, you're really missing out. So now, 5 minutes of WiiTV. And here, we, go.

Today's episode begins with Meg Griffin taking a nap. And now Kige Ramsey powerwalking his way towards her, but first he has to sneeze. So he did. Gesundheit Kige. Wow, there's a bit of a cold bug going around as Chin Chan and Hooters sneeze as well. As well. As Butthead spaces out, Taz and Turgel walk toward E-Mac, then stop. And there's Quagmire, and wouldn't you know, he sneezes too. And Turgel sneezes too, seriously Turgel, cover your mouth dammit. Because of you Max had to sneeze also. I think the name of this episode is Everybody Sneezes. I like the episode where the characters speak to each other more, but what can you do, maybe it'll be on later. And Gabi and Butthead now doing the ritual walk around each other without doing or saying anything. Chin-Chan is literally just walking in circles, those mouse traps are gonna get her. AND WITH 1 MINUTE LEFT IN THE EPISODE DACHS MAKES AN APPEARANCE! OH FREAKING BABY!!! And now I'm off camera again, that's unfortunate. This episode sucked, maybe because I'm not high enough yet, or maybe because Klinger sucks all the enjoyment out of life. Either way, live-blogged. Now go click the ad again.

The Natural Order Has Been Restored

One "quarterback" goes 18/35 for 191 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INT.

One quarterback goes 20/30 for 244 yards, 2 TDs, 0 INT.

All is right with the world once again, as yesterday the 'Boys flattened the Giants. Romo completely outplayed the hermaphrodite bedwetter as it should be, the pass rush was beastly, Newman with 2 picks, Tashard Choice (not Tanard you retard Tiki Barber) filling in quite nicely for the hobbled Barbarian, and for at least one night things were back to normal.

Now we still control our own destiny, albeit with 2 very hard games left to play, while the Giants continue to shoot themselves in the thigh, doing what they can to throw away what once seemed an easy road to home field throughout the playoffs (although Eli generally sucks less on the road, since he apparently can't handle the pressure of playing in New Jersey, and his little baby arm can't handle wind).

My 3 favorite things about this game:

3. Jason Witten's catch and run against noted criminal Antonio Pierce. The linebacker, who obstructed justice by hiding Plaxico (not actually a real name) Burress's gun, attempted to tackle Witten. But Witten's long arm of the law, representing truth, justice, and the American Way, stiff-armed him to the new stadium.

2. In 12 games against everyone else this season, the Giants have allowed 11 sacks. In 2 games against us? 12.

1. A touchdown is worth 6 points, 6 times 2 equals 12, 20-8 is what we call a two-touchdown victory, so, you know, guaran-Dachs-teed.

ROMO!

Isn't this a sports blog?

Yeah so lot of random stuff recently, let's get back to basics with some quick thoughts on what's going on in the world the last couple of days.

First, Sabathia. The contract's insane, I'd rather have Teixeira, but the Captain is happy with the move and I may have bet on us getting him so if the rumors are true, okay then.

The Mets trade. Putz's agent says he doesn't want to be a setup guy, although that could've been just to get him out of Seattle. Either way, K-Rod/Putz are infinitesimally better than Kunz/Heilman, good trade for the Mets. They still suck though.

The newest news, a source on ESPN.com saying there's jealousy on T.O.'s part of Romo's relationship with Witten. I was trying to keep this blog PG-13, but enough's enough, so for one paragraph, earmuffs it for me if you need to.

ESPN, shut the fuck up. Media, shut the fuck up. Players on other teams commenting about the Cowboys, shut the fuck up. All you've been doing since we signed T.O. was stoke nonexistent flames and say it's only a matter of time until Romo gets Garciaed or McNabbed. After a loss, guys are going to be frustrated. If they say things in the heat of the moment about how we as a team played, as T.O. did this week, so be it. What matters is that on Sunday he will show up and play his ass off as we rape the Giants in the face. And if the worst should happen and he runs his mouth to the extent changes need to be made? We got Roy Williams for the next 5 years who's 8 years younger and almost as good already, so worry about your own team. (Quick note about the Giants since we are playing them this week and since I need to put this in the cursing paragraph: Your quarterback is still a hermaphrodite bedwetter with Down Syndrome and your #1 receiver is fucking retarded. You will lose by at least 2 touchdowns this Sunday, maybe 3. Guaran-Dachs-teed.)

Alright, earmuffs off, it's safe to come out now.

The Knicks and Rangers won last night, that's good.

Cuttino Mobley retired, that's unfortunate for him.

Dylan wants me to mention how we shot pool a couple of nights ago, and Taz wants me to mention how I got back-to-back 100%s on Guitar Hero:World Tour playing Rooftops by Lost Prophets and The One I Love by R.E.M. Done and done. (Moishe, if you want that video, all you have to do is ask in the comments. Make me feel warm and fuzzy baby.)

And finally, quick shoutout to Leighton.

Spotted!

Spotted. B and Dachs. We thought B was only into Upper East Siders, guess she's into West Siders as well. Pop that hood. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

More Awesomeness

Good Times

Hey, remember when this happened? Or did you never read it? Either way, it still holds up.

Oh Baby

Full House may be making a comeback. From the SFGate:

The cast of the '90s sitcom "Full House" -- the show that launched the careers of the Olsen Twins -- is planning to return to the small screen in an up-to-date version.

Mary-Kate and Ashley found fame sharing the role of little Michelle Elizabeth Tanner in the comedy, which ran from 1987 to 1995.

It also made stars out of castmembers Bob Saget, John Stamos, Jodie Sweetin, Davie Coulier and Candace Cameron Bure.

And Stamos is plotting to reunite at least some of the cast for a "semi-remake."

Cameron Bure tells OK! magazine, "John has been working on a semi-remake of "Full House."

"I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women."

The pilot presumably deals with hardcore Catholic D.J. taking in her troubled meth-addicted sister.

Holy Jeter

Embedding was disabled so here.

You're welcome.

Gary Bettman is a retard

Sean Avery was suspended indefinitely for saying the following: "I'm really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada, I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight."

Are you freaking kidding me? Jarko Ruutu's sole purpose of playing hockey is to injure as many other players as he can and he goes unpunished, while Sean Avery uses the phrase sloppy seconds and the league flips out.

Happy Birthday Baby

As we speak I'm listening to the new CD, so far it's awesome, highly anticipating the video for Circus. Until we get to the review, here's a lil' somethin' somethin' from my darling bride to keep you entertained.

Feeling Old

So today they announced the Hall of Fame ballot. Sometime this week I'll get into who I feel should go in, but for now let's just focus on the newcomers to the ballot. The guys who retired after the 2003 season, the guys who I watched in my childhood, the guys who are making me feel old right now.

Jay Bell, Ron Gant, Mark Grace, Dan Plesac, Mo Vaughn, Matt Williams, ex-Yankees David Cone and Rickey Henderson, and almost ex-Yankee Greg Vaughn.

How the hell have these guys been retired for 5 years already? It seems like just yesterday that Jay Bell was being mediocre, Ron Gant was trying to comeback from his motorcycle accident, Mark Grace was hitting 238 doubles a season, Rickey was being Rickey, Dan Plesac was coming out of the bullpen to strike out Tino and O'Neill (looking up the numbers now, Tino hit .182 off him with 8 strikeouts in 26 PA while Paulie hit .111 off him with 8 K's in 18 PA, not good times), Greg Vaughn was hitting 50 homers in a year and failing physicals, Mo Vaughn was another great Mets free agent, and Matt Williams was robbing the Captain in the World Series.

And of course, the great David Cone. On the official rankings he's my 4th-favorite Yankees starting pitcher, an absolute warrior who would rather die on the mound than come out of the game and have to trust the bullpen, even when he had already thrown 140+ pitches. While he was admittedly a mercenary, he was our mercenary dammit, and in his 1st 4 1/2 years in the Stripes, he put up ERA+s of 121, 174, 159, 124 and 137.

That's right, in 1996 he put up a 174 ERA+, due to his ridiculous 2.88 ERA while the whole league was taking steroids, followed by a 2.82 in 1997. Plus in the playoffs he went 6-1 for us with a 3.86 ERA. And of course the perfect game, and his 1st start back from his aneurysm when he could've had a no-hitter. Coney was the man. And now he, along with all these other stars and "stars" of the '90s, have been retired for 5 years already.

I can feel my hip breaking as I type.

Guess who's back

The goal was to have the first post up on December 1st, so here we go again. I haven't finished remodeling yet (considering I started 20 minutes ago I'm doing pretty well so shut it) but I'll be making this thing beautiful in the next few days.

As you can see on the top of the page, while God has no problem with me dropping the occasional Jeter Christ bomb in conversation, having a blog in his name clearly caused us to miss the playoffs. Therefore, it's time for a new blog. The url is dachssnewblog.blogspot.com becasue Blogger is run by a bunch of pedophile retards who can't handle having apostrophes in their urls. Stupid Klingers.

But yeah, guaran-Dachs-teeing this puppy'll have some updates to it. In the meantime go check out the blogs on the side of the page that I approve of.

And of course, click the ad.