Deathmatch Round 1 Part 4

Make believe there's a deathmatch picture here. I'm tired, lazy, and South Park's on so use your imagination.

Purple Lips killed Baraka. For the 1st time in his life Purple Lips came through in the clutch.

Nightline took out Segal. This is a huge favor to Ugly Transvestite Chick since Segal is known for killing his own captain.

Kilinkies beat Dachs's Stuffage. Now you'll have to listen to Emo Crap or Bencion's Library.

Broken Guitars smashed Carmy (Casino, Emo Crap and Romo can no longer win since he was their captain). Screw you Carmy, I hope you get upstrummed forever.

Guarantaz beat Shaina (Klinger People, Turkey Juice and Turgel's beard can't win). All that leather-bound money and she still got guarantazzed.

Winky smashed Broken Mirror. He then gave it as a going away present to John and his beloved Doc.

Jersey blithering retorted The Kouz (Cheryl, Warning Track Power and Norm...And Peter Yay can no longer win).

Dachs's Old Blog beat YU Cleaners. The power of Jeter Christ compels.

Holly Davis took out the Senile Old Lady.

Her husband Lewis Davis then shat all over 2girls1cup, former sponsors of Dachs and Elie. Was that equitable? Discuss.

Deathmatch Round 1 Part 3

I'm sure eventually I'll cover some other stuff on this blog like in the good ol' days (Super Bowl? Mosley/Margarito? There you go, they've been covered.), but for now, on this glorious snow day, we have more Round 1 results from Deathmatch.

Cash 4 Gold killed Shelley. Shelley went very politely and she will be missed.

Clyde Frog took out Michael Scarn (Seforim Sale, Slow Punch and noted hermaphrodite bedwetter Eli Manning can no longer win as well, as well). Clearly Scarn should've had a real gun with him, instead of relying on his improv skills.

Kig-Ram was poisoned by the Klinger Water and was disgusted by it. Klinger representatives are now 3-0 so far in Deathmatch.

In the first matchup of captains, Meles killed Greg lol. Lol, lol. (Wake up Foo, Tovi, and Guiel?! say goodbye to their chances of winning.)

And finally, after staving off an attack from an Electron Density zombie, Gravity was Raped in the Face. And just like that, Mohinder really is running out of excuses as to why he can't figure out what caused the heroes to lose their powers. Kudos to Raped in the Face who although it can't win since its idiot captain Matt Berger got himself killed, is still going out and getting the job done. Well done Raped in the Face!

Deathmatch Round 1, Batch 2

Joanna Angel blew The House down. She felt badly about this though and proceeded to clean The House's bathrooms.

Kevin Malone killed Dachs. Wait. Dammit. That's me. I'm dead (and Breslov, Lea and Rappaport can no longer win). Fortunately I still have representation in the tournament but still, balls. This sucks. I hope Kevin chokes on his M&Ms.

Finally a captain escaped the 1st round as Bryna Roth defeated If U Seek Amy. So many jokes to make, too many random people who may be reading this.

Inspired by this victory, captain Kushner took down Heartbreakers. Or is it, heartbreaKERS!!!

Norm MacDonald attempted to kill Dachs & Elie. Fortunately for the greatest radio show of all time, WYUR is broken and therefore we managed to escape before it was too late. Norm proceeded to then devour Turkey Penis, and captains now have a 3-game winning streak.

Stay tuned to this blog for all the Deathmatch news and results.

Deathmatch Results Round 1

I was really going to get to that Marbury chat, but a more pressing matter has come to the forefront. The early games in the first round of Deathmatch have just ended and here are the results:

Chin-Chan killed Matt Berger. Matt was a captain (not to be confused with The Captain), so this eliminates his team from victory (although those surviving members -The House, Broken Bobbleheads, Raped in the Face- can still kill others).

Pop a Hoodie annihilated Ed. Pop a Hoodie is one of the favorites to take down the big prize while Ed really had no idea what he was getting himself into.

Romo beat Decisio-CHOICE. All there is to say about this one is ROMO!

Rappaport beat and pillaged Ellen May (she was a captain so this also eliminates WiiTV, Rihanna, MotherChucker from winning). Another of the Klinger representatives advances.

B.Y.O.B. on Expert took down Electron Density, which sucks for Mohinder, although that does eliminate 1 of the myriad possibilities.

More to come as the results come in. May the best man/chick/concept/phrase/whatever the hell else is in this game win.