Saturday, January 31, 2009

Good Times and Bad Times, Redux

Good times: The Knicks beat Indiana in Indiana 122-113 for our 3rd straight win and giving them their 1st loss this month. We have also won 6 of 7 and are now already 2 wins away from matching last year's win total. Al Harrington with 31 and 8, D-Lee with 23 and 17, Chandler with 16 and 8 off the bench.

Bad times: The immortal Tuukka Rask shut us down. 35 shots, 35 saves, his 1st shutout in his 4th start as we lose 1-0. Awsesome. Can we fire Renney yet?

Also the Macs lost, at least we kept it close against one of the top 2 teams in the conference. Too bad half our team is injured and Zach and Schauly who were both in attendance are no longer on the team.

Super Bowl stuff tomorrow. Although since I'll probably be busy with opening day of the seforim sale (Section manager of the English Halacha section represent!) and the official APT 1A SB party, let's be honest, I'm not gonna get to it. So yeah, Steelers should win, but we want Arizona to win so Dallas can remain tied for most SB wins all-time.

In other football stuff, congrats to Derrick Thomas and ex-Cowboy great Bob Hayes for finally being inducted into the Hall of Fame, along with Randall McDaniel, Bruce Smith, Ralph Wilson and Rod Woodson.

And finally, pepsi. Pepsi pepsi pepsi pepsi pepsi pepsi pepsi, pepsi. Pepsi pepsi pepsi pepsi MacGruber PEPSI.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Deathmatch Round 1 Part 4

Make believe there's a deathmatch picture here. I'm tired, lazy, and South Park's on so use your imagination.

Purple Lips killed Baraka. For the 1st time in his life Purple Lips came through in the clutch.

Nightline took out Segal. This is a huge favor to Ugly Transvestite Chick since Segal is known for killing his own captain.

Kilinkies beat Dachs's Stuffage. Now you'll have to listen to Emo Crap or Bencion's Library.

Broken Guitars smashed Carmy (Casino, Emo Crap and Romo can no longer win since he was their captain). Screw you Carmy, I hope you get upstrummed forever.

Guarantaz beat Shaina (Klinger People, Turkey Juice and Turgel's beard can't win). All that leather-bound money and she still got guarantazzed.

Winky smashed Broken Mirror. He then gave it as a going away present to John and his beloved Doc.

Jersey blithering retorted The Kouz (Cheryl, Warning Track Power and Norm...And Peter Yay can no longer win).

Dachs's Old Blog beat YU Cleaners. The power of Jeter Christ compels.

Holly Davis took out the Senile Old Lady.

Her husband Lewis Davis then shat all over 2girls1cup, former sponsors of Dachs and Elie. Was that equitable? Discuss.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Good Times and Bad Times

Good times: Winning 5 straight at home for the 1st time in 2 years. David Lee getting his 9th straight double-double. Finally beating the Hawks. Moving to .005 percentage points of a playoff spot. Winning our 20th game before the All-Star break for the 1st time in 4 years.

Bad times: Giving up 5 goals in the 3rd period. Seriously?! 5 freaking goals! It was a nice 1-1 game and then wham, 3rd period. We're still solidly in the playoffs but we're running out of time to assert our dominance on the division. I miss Jagr and Avery so damn much. Of course it couldn't help that even though we've played more games than everyone but Anaheim, we still start the 2nd half with a back-to-back. Stupid schedule makers.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Deathmatch Round 1 Part 3

I'm sure eventually I'll cover some other stuff on this blog like in the good ol' days (Super Bowl? Mosley/Margarito? There you go, they've been covered.), but for now, on this glorious snow day, we have more Round 1 results from Deathmatch.

Cash 4 Gold killed Shelley. Shelley went very politely and she will be missed.

Clyde Frog took out Michael Scarn (Seforim Sale, Slow Punch and noted hermaphrodite bedwetter Eli Manning can no longer win as well, as well). Clearly Scarn should've had a real gun with him, instead of relying on his improv skills.

Kig-Ram was poisoned by the Klinger Water and was disgusted by it. Klinger representatives are now 3-0 so far in Deathmatch.

In the first matchup of captains, Meles killed Greg lol. Lol, lol. (Wake up Foo, Tovi, and Guiel?! say goodbye to their chances of winning.)

And finally, after staving off an attack from an Electron Density zombie, Gravity was Raped in the Face. And just like that, Mohinder really is running out of excuses as to why he can't figure out what caused the heroes to lose their powers. Kudos to Raped in the Face who although it can't win since its idiot captain Matt Berger got himself killed, is still going out and getting the job done. Well done Raped in the Face!

Deathmatch Round 1, Batch 2

Joanna Angel blew The House down. She felt badly about this though and proceeded to clean The House's bathrooms.

Kevin Malone killed Dachs. Wait. Dammit. That's me. I'm dead (and Breslov, Lea and Rappaport can no longer win). Fortunately I still have representation in the tournament but still, balls. This sucks. I hope Kevin chokes on his M&Ms.

Finally a captain escaped the 1st round as Bryna Roth defeated If U Seek Amy. So many jokes to make, too many random people who may be reading this.

Inspired by this victory, captain Kushner took down Heartbreakers. Or is it, heartbreaKERS!!!

Norm MacDonald attempted to kill Dachs & Elie. Fortunately for the greatest radio show of all time, WYUR is broken and therefore we managed to escape before it was too late. Norm proceeded to then devour Turkey Penis, and captains now have a 3-game winning streak.

Stay tuned to this blog for all the Deathmatch news and results.

Deathmatch Results Round 1

I was really going to get to that Marbury chat, but a more pressing matter has come to the forefront. The early games in the first round of Deathmatch have just ended and here are the results:

Chin-Chan killed Matt Berger. Matt was a captain (not to be confused with The Captain), so this eliminates his team from victory (although those surviving members -The House, Broken Bobbleheads, Raped in the Face- can still kill others).

Pop a Hoodie annihilated Ed. Pop a Hoodie is one of the favorites to take down the big prize while Ed really had no idea what he was getting himself into.

Romo beat Decisio-CHOICE. All there is to say about this one is ROMO!

Rappaport beat and pillaged Ellen May (she was a captain so this also eliminates WiiTV, Rihanna, MotherChucker from winning). Another of the Klinger representatives advances.

B.Y.O.B. on Expert took down Electron Density, which sucks for Mohinder, although that does eliminate 1 of the myriad possibilities.

More to come as the results come in. May the best man/chick/concept/phrase/whatever the hell else is in this game win.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

It's Stephon Marbury Day on the ESPN Family of Networks

Not sure how this happened, or if there's any precedent for a player under contract being given a forum to speak his mind all day on national TV and Radio as well (as well) as giving him a forum on their website to speak about his cheap sneakers, but either way, we're in the midst of Starbury Day on ESPN. Earlier today he was on Sportscenter, Outside The Lines and Tirico and Van Pelt and is in the midst of an online chat on Let's have some fun with this. I'm gonna FJM the live-chat sometime tonight. I haven't read it yet, but I couldn't help but notice that the best point guard in the NBA showed up at 4:32 for the 4:00 chat.

I'm sure ESPN will give Donnie Walsh the same broadcast opportunity to offer a rebuttal.

Oh by the way ESPN, have you heard about Pedroia's brother? Oh, not yet? Ok, take your time, thanks.

Monday, January 26, 2009

More Random Crap Monday

These 2 things deserve their own blog posts, but hey, it's Random Crap Monday, gotta play by the rules.

Seriously T.O.? You really need to do this?

In happier news, HOW BOUT DEM KNICKS! Finally, a 4th quarter comeback, over a very good team no less. We're making the playoffs, good times are here again.

Also, I forgot to put this in the 1st random crap post, but SKAIST!!!

Random Crap Monday

It's Monday, the crappiest day of the week. What better day to have a day devoted to Random Crap than Monday? Not Thursday, I'll tell you that much. Onto the random crap:

"Blame It" by Jamie Foxx/T-Pain: Yeah, to say this song is stuck in my head is an understatement. "Blame it on the vodka"-truer words have never been spoken.

8 days until the Torre/A-Fraud jealous of the Captain book, 19 until pitchers and catchers.

Today was Chinese New Year. For the first time ever I went to the parade and I gotta say, the Chinese do a strange but fun shindig. Yellow dragon power!

Boston Red Sox hero and regining American League The Writers are Retarded MVP Dustin Pedroia's brother was arrested and charged with child molestation. Shockingly has nothing on the story yet; surely the same thing would happen if Kevin Cash's brother would be arrested. But more importantly, let us take a moment to be creeped out by Pedroia's family member, and of course, let us point and laugh at any Red Sox fans in our midst.

Now this is a contract that makes sense. If Pettitte earns the 12 million, fantastic.

How bout dem Knicks winning 3 in a row. We're making the playoffs, especially now that current 8th seed Milwaukee's best player is out for the season. And David Lee is deserving of the All-Star Game. Speaking of which, here are my picks for the reserves. In the East: Lee, Danny Granger, Chris Bosh, Joe Johnson, Devin Harris, Andre Iguodala, and Rashard Lewis. In the West, Dirk, Big Al Jefferson (By the way, how crazy is the fact that the T-Wolves have the best record in '09? When you take into account the fact that 2008 doesn't count, they're the best team in the league), Brandon Roy, Kevin Durant, Carmelo (if healthy, otherwise Pau Gasol), Shaq, and Chauncey Billups.

The NHL All-Star Game happened. Lundqvist was fantastic during the Skills Competition, then apparently went out drinking and therefore was Brodueresque during the Game itself. That's right, I'm blamin' it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I want to If U Seek A-her

And now the real big news of the day.

After the outstanding success of great videos like Womanizer and Circus, comes the 3rd single. A poll was held on Britney's website to decide which song it should be, and If U Seek Amy won. Now, I will admit the 1st few times I heard the song I didn't realize this, but eventually I came to understand the true meaning of the song. Now, parents of youngsters who are listening to my rebbetzin sing are understanding the song as well. (AS WELL! Speaking of which, Klinger's back, hide the children.)

If you still don't get it, here is the chorus: Love me, hate me, say what you want about me. But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy.

Note the seemingly incorrect grammar at the end there. Jeter Christ, I love her.

Alonzo Mourning Retires

Alonzo Mourning just retired (finally). As a Knick fan I obviously can't stand this guy. However, in tribute to him, 4 truly great moments from his career.

And finally,

Good times? Good times.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Hey, how's it going?

Bunch of stuff to get to but no time (but she did, no time!), maybe later. So what's the point of this post? To tell everyone that in a mere 10 minutes the episode of Gossip Girl that I saw get filmed will be on. Will I be on TV? Am I the reason Chuck and Blair aren't together? Tune in to find out.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Um, what?

Bear in mind this comes from the Post, and bear in mind that the accuser is a convicted felon, but still, Jeter Christ this is just odd.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Best Movie of 2008

I did guaran-Dachs-tee there would be a blog post today, so to whoever I said that, click the ad.

Of course, while I guaran-Dachs-teed a post, I didn't say anything about the length, so some quick thoughts on some random crap while I study for the LSAT.

Slumdog Millionaire is a freaking awesome movie. I was going to do a whole review but most people I've spoken to today haven't seen it yet, so let's just say it is well deserving of its Golden Globe for Best Picture, it'll be well deserving of many Oscars (yes, it's better than Batman, no, I didn't see The Wrestler), so go see it.

The Knicks managed to beat the Hornets in New Orleans. Naturally, Tim Thomas sucked in the 2nd half, but fortunately D'Antoni had the bright idea to yank him out of the game before it was too late.

The blog's prognostication went 0-4 this week. Not good times, but in all fairness I did switch one of my picks to the Eagles so yeah! 1-3!

And finally, Jim Rice? Really?!

UPDATE: Holy crap I can't believe I forgot this story. So we're at the theater, and while in line there's a couple behind us talking about which movie they should see. While the whole conversation was hilarious, one movie discussion stands out from all the others.

Dude: Hey, what about Seven Pounds? I heard that was good.
Chick: Who's in it?
Dude: That guy, he's tall, he played Ray Charles. One of the Wayans brothers I think.

Sunday, January 11, 2009


My thought process coming into this game was that I obviously can't root for either team, but I hate the Eagles more so I'll root against them. Oh how wrong I was. As soon as I saw the hermaphrodite bedwetter pictured above I knew there was only 1 possible thing I could root for: The continued sucking of everything that he does. My favorite Eli Manning moment of the day? The failed QB sneak on 4th and inches. Giant fans, suck it. Manning sucks, Jacobs sucks, Bradshaw spent more time in jail than Pac-Man, Plaxico shot himself, it ain't 2008 anymore baby. Sweet baby Jeter, 2009 is here!

And to any comments I'll get about how the Cowboys didn't even make the playoffs, bite me. 2008 has already been established as a truly horrible year from which nothing can be proven, while 2009 to this point has been pretty damn awesome. ROMO!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Quick Picks

I'm less than 24 hours removed from writing almost 3500 words about Reb Yisroel Salanter, so no details today. Onto the prognostication:

2-2 last week, 1-0 guaran-Dachs-tees:

Titans over Ravens (in the guaran-Dachs-tee of the week), Panthers over Cardinals, Giants over Eagles (Jeter Christ how I hate both teams), Chargers over Steelers (sorry Elie, after much thought I think SD not just covers, but wins outright).

In other news: Tim Tebow is as awesome as Tim Thomas sucks, Eddy Curry is really fat, and I would rather have Smoltz and Sheets than Burnett, even without factoring in the fact that we'd be saving about 3 million a year.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Sunday, January 4, 2009

How Bout Dem Knicks!

Forget the NFL playoffs. Forget my short encounter with a short punk porn star with pink hair who used to be somewhat frum (no, the curtains don't match the drapes, thanks for asking). Forget the Johnnies' huge upset over Notre Dame. Forget UNC's stunning upset at home to Boston College. Forget the continued reports that Phillips/Garrett are here to stay. Forget finals. Forget papers. There is only 1 big news of the day, on this day.

The defending NBA champions, with a record this season of 29-5, came into the Mishkan, the true Mecca of Sports, the one, the only, Madison Square Garden, and got beat convincingly by your NEW. YORK. KNICKS!

Wilson Chandler was a beast with 31 and 8 (Thanks Isiah!), Al Harrington dropped 30, D-Lee with 14 and 14, plus we held Ray Allen to 16 points and KG to 6 and 9. I'm just sayin, we beat the defending champs, clearly we're the best team in the league. D'Antoni rules.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Well that was B.S.

It's always a little fishy when the refs get more 1st downs than the offense, but hey, San Diego won fair and square, right? Whatever, the blog goes down to 1-1 and I still have 350 pages of finance crap to read by 1. Not good times. Let's get to tomorrow's picks

Baltimore at Miami

Earlier this season, Baltimore beat Miami in Miami, and it wasn't close. I see no reason for this to change, and it may be an even bigger blowout. In my guaran-Dachs-tee of the week, Ravens win, 31-13.

Philly at Minnesota

The Eagles may be better but I can't in good conscience pick them, so let's say Peterson runs over them all day for 150 yards and 2 TDs, and the Vikings win 27-21.

Friday, January 2, 2009

NFL Playoff Prognostication

Even though the Boys aren't in it we can still make picks and make money, right? With our mind on our money (and it really goes without saying but our money on our mind), here's what's going to happen in tomorrow's games.

Atlanta at Arizona

Michael Turner will have a big day but Matt Ryan won't, and the Kurt Warner/Larry Fitzgerald combo will be too much for a Falcons team that has sucked on the road for most of the season.

Cardinals win 35-23.

Indy at San Diego

Peyton Manning won the MVP again today, tying him with Brett Favre for most all-time. He'll back that interesting decision up with a good game tomorrow. The Chargers won't be able to stop Indy's passing game, plus they have big injury concerns on offense with Gates and Tomlinson missing practice. They'll both play but it won't be enough. Also, remember Norval Turner makes Wade Phillips look like Jimmy Johnson.

Colts win 38-28.

I will be back tomorrow with my prognostication for Sunday's games. This is Moishie Dachs for YouTube Blog.

Oh and by the way, while we're on the subject, if you haven't seen this yet, go for it. In fact, we'll just call it the YouTube Video of the Week, I believe.

UPDATE: So I'm handling some business on Bodog when I see this prop:

Will Tony Romo be engaged to Jessica Simpson by week 1 of the 2009 NFL season?
Any wager after outcome becomes public knowledge will be graded no action. Announcement must be made before the start of week 1 of the 2009 NFL season for yes option to be graded a winner. Max $100
-500 Isn't gambling awesome?

Thursday, January 1, 2009

The Greatest Blog Ever

I like to think this blog is pretty awesome, but clearly it's at best the 2nd-best out there. Unfortunately this other blog has only extremely sporadic posting (I know what you're thinking, shut it), but here is its latest entry. It is the greatest blog post ever. That's real science, so I'll drop that one again. It is the greatest blog post ever.

Also, yeah, Barkley's the man.

Crisis Averted

Yesterday there were reports saying that Viacom and Time Warner were in a contract dispute, with Viacom wanting Time Warner to pay more money. With the deal running out as the clock struck 2009, rumor had it we Time Warner subscribers would be losing 18 channels, including Comedy Central, Nick, the MTVs, the VH1s, Spike. Not good times. Dachs needs his Daily Show/Colbert combo. Not to mention such awesome shows like Flavor of Love and The Fairly Oddparents. But they came to terms, sort of, and now we don't lose any channels.

See? Told you 2009 was gonna be awesome.